Some days do you just wonder where your time goes? At the end of the day sometimes I wonder why I haven't had time to do even some of the basic things - but it's been so long that I'm becoming more used to it. Probably not a great sign - though maybe I'm getting to be more relaxed. Stop laughing if you know how "driven" I can be. I do know how to relax too - and have had LOTS of opportunities to learn that recently too.
My oldest 5 children went to VBS this morning (and had a great time) while Eliana and I headed over to cardiology. We met the nurse that we see each time we are there, but today she has on a v-neck top and I noticed her scar. I told her that I didn't realize that she had also had heart surgery. She has had several in addition to breast cancer. She is such a sweet gal and I told her that her empathy for others was readily apparent. Isn't it amazing how we can be walking on our own path and not realize what others so close to us are going through - or have gone through.
We saw a different cardiologist (a fellow) today initially - though one we've seen before. When he looked at Eliana, he commented that he remembered her from her stay in the hospital (for her heart surgery). What reminded him - was her bow! (He even commented that it was the same color that she had on then.) It really is something she is known for and now that we are using it to hold her tubing away from her face it's a necessary thing each day too!.
He checked out her heart (looks good) and lungs (no fluid) and thought she was doing well. Everyone we saw today commented on her scar/incision site and how "great" it looks. I asked about a swallow study (someone had suggested it to me) and he said that the referral for this would come from her therapist. It's really only to see if there is fluid in the lungs which doesn't seem to be her issue. He asked if I had questions for our regular cardiologist and I said that I wanted to talk with him about the G-tube.
While waiting for Dr C, one of the echo techs came in and chatted with me. She is pregnant with her first and I hope that some of what I shared with her was an encouragment. Dr C came in with the other Dr. and we talked for a good while. He liked the positioning of the tube and I told him that I'd given him credit for it whenever someone commented on it.
He told me that from a cardiac standpoint that Eliana is doing great and that he doesn't need to see us for a few months. (She will need another echo in 2 months.) I jokingly asked if he was trying to get rid of us. He said he wasn't and that he would continue to follow her for feeding if I wanted, but that her feeding issues were no longer cardiac related. He thought it would be helpful for one doctor to be the point person in terms of managing Eliana's care and in making decisions. I told him that I felt sure that her pediatrician would feel comfortable in this role and he said he'd call her to discuss it. I'm so thankful to have medical professionals that are willing and interested in working together. I know our care is better because of this!
We talked about the option of the G-tube. He does not want to rush into getting this. He wanted me to find out from her therapists whether this is a skills problem or a feeding aversion/oral issue. He said his recommendation would vary depending on the answer.
If it is a skills problem, then we would probably need the G-tube. If it's some oral motor or feeding aversion then he would like for us to try to deal with this problem to see if we could avoid the G-tube.
He looked up the reports from the latest 2 feeding therapists to see what they had written in terms of recommendations. One recommended the G-tube. The other was interested in working with Eliana for a while to see if we could make some progress. She thinks that there is no rush to getting the G-tube. Dr. C called the first a pessimist and said that he agreed with the second one. I told him that we would see the 2nd gal again on Wed. He wanted us to talk more about our options after seeing her. He thinks that if it would only take a couple of months before she can maintain caloric intake then we could avoid the G. He also suggested that starting solids might be a good thing too.
A couple of months sounds like looooong time. Though honestly if I'd known all that I've gone through in the last 6 ahead of time, I'm sure it would have sounded impossible. One day at a time. One step at a time.
So I have my homework in terms of talking with the OT on Wed morning. I'm looking forward to hearing what she thinks and has to say in terms of a recommendation. I don't want to rush into something that I'll regret and on the other hand I don't see any point in postponing if it is inevitable. Kwow what I mean? It's hard when all of the advice isn't consistant, but I'm OK with that too. (At least for now.)
We came home and rested - all but the 5 and 7yo boys. It was soooo nice to have a nap! Shortly after getting up, Catherine called to ask if her children could come over for several hours. We had a fun time together and now everyone is asleep and Eliana is getting her last feeding.
I also called and talked with Eliana's ped this evening. I updated her on what had gone on and told her that Dr. C was planning to call her and talk. She asked me to let her know about the OT/feeding meeting on Wed. One thing that she told me was that the other factor to consider in deciding about the G-tube is quality of life - trauma of putting in the tube multiple times, damage to her skin, and problems in her throat just from having the tube in so long.
Prevacid I gave orally tonight. Eliana spit some of it, but I think most went in. Some did get stuck in the syringe and I probably need to figure out how to handle that too so that she is getting her full dose,
Well, I think that's it. I'll edit if there is more to add later. Eliana's feeding pump just finished and I'm exhausted. Thank you for your continued prayers.
Here is a Bible passage that a friend shared with me that was very encouraging. I hope it will be for you too!
It's 1 Peter 1: 3-9
3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, 5who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
With love,
Leslie
Monday, June 11, 2007
Sunday, June 10, 2007
It's out again ...
and I'm just sitting here crying. 
I don't know why I'm feeling so overwhelmed by this right now - but I am.
It was her tube that was clogged again. This time I was sure. I gave her med (which I think is what clogged the tube as it was a powder dissolved in water - though not very well no matter what I did). Afterwards I tried to feed her and started getting "flow errors" from the pump right away. I did a quick check of the pump then decided to try to flush water down her tube. It wouldn't go at all. I kept pushing it and finally the syringe just popped off spraying the water everywhere.
I had no choice but to remove it. I'm not sure how soon I can put it back in. I tried to flush the tube once I had removed it - and couldn't then either. She cried and cried as I removed the tape. She has red marks from the tape even though I was as gentle as I could be in removing it.
Just feeling overwhelmed right now. Earlier today I thought I'd look at painting a room in the house. I thought it might be fun to do something that was not serious and thought that the color would cheer me up. I even felt frivilous in thinking about it - something I haven't had the freedom/time to do in what seems like a long time. Feeling slapped back to reality pretty quickly.
Not meaning to have a pity party over here. It's not that big a thing - it's just one more thing and I'm feeling spent.
We visit the cardiologist tomorrow (Monday) and her ped wants a phone call after the visit. I'm guessing we'll start talking about surgery again. We just can't keep putting this in over and over and over.
I feel like I've rambled a bit now. Just feeling sad. My sweet Rebecca has been trying to cheer me up with hugs. I have so much to be thankful for - I really do. I know God is with me. I know that He loves me. I know that I have not been forsaken. I know that things will work out. At this moment though I'm just Thank you for your prayers.
I don't know why I'm feeling so overwhelmed by this right now - but I am.It was her tube that was clogged again. This time I was sure. I gave her med (which I think is what clogged the tube as it was a powder dissolved in water - though not very well no matter what I did). Afterwards I tried to feed her and started getting "flow errors" from the pump right away. I did a quick check of the pump then decided to try to flush water down her tube. It wouldn't go at all. I kept pushing it and finally the syringe just popped off spraying the water everywhere.
I had no choice but to remove it. I'm not sure how soon I can put it back in. I tried to flush the tube once I had removed it - and couldn't then either. She cried and cried as I removed the tape. She has red marks from the tape even though I was as gentle as I could be in removing it.
Just feeling overwhelmed right now. Earlier today I thought I'd look at painting a room in the house. I thought it might be fun to do something that was not serious and thought that the color would cheer me up. I even felt frivilous in thinking about it - something I haven't had the freedom/time to do in what seems like a long time. Feeling slapped back to reality pretty quickly.
Not meaning to have a pity party over here. It's not that big a thing - it's just one more thing and I'm feeling spent.
We visit the cardiologist tomorrow (Monday) and her ped wants a phone call after the visit. I'm guessing we'll start talking about surgery again.
We just can't keep putting this in over and over and over. I feel like I've rambled a bit now. Just feeling sad. My sweet Rebecca has been trying to cheer me up with hugs. I have so much to be thankful for - I really do. I know God is with me. I know that He loves me. I know that I have not been forsaken. I know that things will work out. At this moment though I'm just
Thank you for your prayers.ETA: It's 1:30am now. I'm up with Eliana while she is getting her last feeding of the day. Her schedule was thrown off when we went to church this morning. Which was a nice time and not hard at all. We didn't see many people there. And then it was thrown off again when she had some by bottle and coudn't finish the feed. She ended up missing the rest of that fed - or I would be up all night trying to fit them back in. (I can't reinsert the tube for at least an hour after it's come out and she has eaten or she may get sick. Highly likely given how hard it is to get it in.)
I can see in her tube and it is definitely the prevacid that clogged it up. In more than one place - though mainly a big chunk in one section. I tried dissolving the tablet in room temp water - by putting the table into the water, as well as adding water to the tablet. The directions say not to crush, though I did stir. I also tried shaking it when I added it to the syringe. I couldn't think of any other options to try at the time.
Her tube is in. As usual lately, it was tough to get it in. It just gets stuck on her gag reflex - over and over again. :cry: My friend Rebecca helped this time. She was calm, but I don't think it was easy for her either, especially when Eliana gets to crying.
Thank you dear friends for your notes and your prayers. I am deeply blessed in so many ways! Trying to go now and respond to your sweet comments.
With love,
Leslie
Saturday, June 9, 2007
A Full Day and more updates
Just wanted to update. It's probably obvious that I didn't go on the trip to the conference. I really wanted to go but with all of the problems that we had with the feeding pump/tube on Thur night, it's probably best that we were home. I wouldn't have wanted to deal with all of that in an unfamiliar environment. I had prayed and asked God to work things out with the room if it was His intent that we should go and I do believe that staying home was best.
Here is a little bit of what has been going on the last couple of days. Thursday morning we had an appointment with the feeding therapist. Eliana did better for her then (was really fussy the first time we saw her a couple of weeks ago). After watching her, she didn't think that she exhibited signs of reflux. She did think that at times the flow of liquid was too much for her and tried to work on slowing that down by tipping the bottle at a different angle. (more horizontal) I'm to work on feeding that way in addition to stimulating the muscles on her face and in her mouth. We'll see if that helps any. She also mentioned that she didn't think we were in a critical time frame or hurry for the Gtube.
We (Eliana and I) both took a long and much needed nap together on Thur afternoon prior to her physical therapist coming over. She worked hard and is continuing to improve. I think I mentioned last month about the scale she was being measured on and how she was already behind. Well, she looked at the scale again and Eliana has improved 6 weeks worth in the last 4 weeks. Yippee!!! Way to go sweet girl! The PT was very encouraging about her progress.
Friday, Eliana's ped called to see how she was doing. (Isn't that so nice?!) She had talked with a couple of therapists that had seen Eliana. She wanted to try Eliana on prevacid to see if it helped any at all. It would help if she has reflux or any other damage in her throat. Even though we both think she has no signs of reflux, this is just a precaution to see if it can help at all. I can see how she could have damage from the tube being inserted so many times so I'm glad to try something that might help. We talked for awhile about how things were going and about our options for the future. We are both thinking that the Gtube surgery is likely to be happening. She wants me to call her on Monday to update on the cardiology appointment and on the prevacid. On the prevacid, it is a dissolving tablet that I'm having a hard time getting to dissolve completely. I've tried placing it in water and pouring water over it. I am concerned that if it isn't dissolving completely that it could end up clogging her tube. (I inject the medecine into her feeding tube.) I would love any tips if anyone has them.
Saturday, Eliana and I venture out to lunch to celebrate a friend's birthday. It was our first social outing with the feeding pump. I thought it seemed like a good place to be with other Mommies and nobody else to have to watch out or care for while I was out. It was a fun time with the girls. Eliana didn't like being in the restaurant so much as she was a little fussy and wouldn't eat at all. She did sleep some while being held. Later while we were looking at books in a small homeschool store, she took a bottle and ate about half of it (2 ounces). I was encouraged to see her improvement. Tonight we had friends over to give out awards for our Keepers of the Faith club. All in all, a busy and fun day! A little much for Eliana, but it was good to see what it takes to go out and about.
We are going to try to go to church tomorrow for the first time since Eliana was born. I'm guessing it may be a hard and/or emotional time for me. I'm not sure why I think that - but I do.
I appreciate all of the sweet comments that many of you have left and I'm going to try to respond to them. I continue to feel so very behind on so many things - especially thank yous. I was thinking tonight of a very thoughtful gift from two gals Roger works with that was given to me just before Eliana's surgery. It was a bag with a couple of magazines, mints, chocolate, lotion, kleenexes and gum to take to the hospital. So sweet to think of the details of what I might need while I was in the hospital! (If you are reading this - thank you Martha and Starla!) I have so many people to thank!!! If you are reading this and are one of those sweet people - thank you! I do intend to write notes, but it probably will still take me awhile. It doesn't reflect my gratitude however on the many precious gestures and gifts with which people have blessed us.
It's late and I'm heading to bed. Will work on updating more tomorrow - maybe with a bracelet update and some photos.
With love,
Leslie
ETA: Thank you Karen for posting on the T21 board about our feeding tube problems - and to the gals that responded to me here! I appreciate your help and encouragment so much!!! Will try to respond more to you tomorrow. It's much too late here (2:45am) and I'm going to sleep now.
Here is a little bit of what has been going on the last couple of days. Thursday morning we had an appointment with the feeding therapist. Eliana did better for her then (was really fussy the first time we saw her a couple of weeks ago). After watching her, she didn't think that she exhibited signs of reflux. She did think that at times the flow of liquid was too much for her and tried to work on slowing that down by tipping the bottle at a different angle. (more horizontal) I'm to work on feeding that way in addition to stimulating the muscles on her face and in her mouth. We'll see if that helps any. She also mentioned that she didn't think we were in a critical time frame or hurry for the Gtube.
We (Eliana and I) both took a long and much needed nap together on Thur afternoon prior to her physical therapist coming over. She worked hard and is continuing to improve. I think I mentioned last month about the scale she was being measured on and how she was already behind. Well, she looked at the scale again and Eliana has improved 6 weeks worth in the last 4 weeks. Yippee!!! Way to go sweet girl! The PT was very encouraging about her progress.
Friday, Eliana's ped called to see how she was doing. (Isn't that so nice?!) She had talked with a couple of therapists that had seen Eliana. She wanted to try Eliana on prevacid to see if it helped any at all. It would help if she has reflux or any other damage in her throat. Even though we both think she has no signs of reflux, this is just a precaution to see if it can help at all. I can see how she could have damage from the tube being inserted so many times so I'm glad to try something that might help. We talked for awhile about how things were going and about our options for the future. We are both thinking that the Gtube surgery is likely to be happening. She wants me to call her on Monday to update on the cardiology appointment and on the prevacid. On the prevacid, it is a dissolving tablet that I'm having a hard time getting to dissolve completely. I've tried placing it in water and pouring water over it. I am concerned that if it isn't dissolving completely that it could end up clogging her tube. (I inject the medecine into her feeding tube.) I would love any tips if anyone has them.
Saturday, Eliana and I venture out to lunch to celebrate a friend's birthday. It was our first social outing with the feeding pump. I thought it seemed like a good place to be with other Mommies and nobody else to have to watch out or care for while I was out. It was a fun time with the girls. Eliana didn't like being in the restaurant so much as she was a little fussy and wouldn't eat at all. She did sleep some while being held. Later while we were looking at books in a small homeschool store, she took a bottle and ate about half of it (2 ounces). I was encouraged to see her improvement. Tonight we had friends over to give out awards for our Keepers of the Faith club. All in all, a busy and fun day! A little much for Eliana, but it was good to see what it takes to go out and about.
We are going to try to go to church tomorrow for the first time since Eliana was born. I'm guessing it may be a hard and/or emotional time for me. I'm not sure why I think that - but I do.
I appreciate all of the sweet comments that many of you have left and I'm going to try to respond to them. I continue to feel so very behind on so many things - especially thank yous. I was thinking tonight of a very thoughtful gift from two gals Roger works with that was given to me just before Eliana's surgery. It was a bag with a couple of magazines, mints, chocolate, lotion, kleenexes and gum to take to the hospital. So sweet to think of the details of what I might need while I was in the hospital! (If you are reading this - thank you Martha and Starla!) I have so many people to thank!!! If you are reading this and are one of those sweet people - thank you! I do intend to write notes, but it probably will still take me awhile. It doesn't reflect my gratitude however on the many precious gestures and gifts with which people have blessed us.
It's late and I'm heading to bed. Will work on updating more tomorrow - maybe with a bracelet update and some photos.
With love,
Leslie
ETA: Thank you Karen for posting on the T21 board about our feeding tube problems - and to the gals that responded to me here! I appreciate your help and encouragment so much!!! Will try to respond more to you tomorrow. It's much too late here (2:45am) and I'm going to sleep now.
Friday, June 8, 2007
Feeding tube update
I could find nothing wrong with the pump or external tubing. I did all of the checks and even ran the pump into a bottle and it worked just fine. So, even though it wasn't what I wanted to do, I removed her feeding tube last night about 2:45am. She was able to sleep through me doing this - with a lot of moving about. I let her sleep through her next feeding and planned to put it in for her 9am feeding. It was probably too long to let her go, but I hated to wake her to put in a tube as it's just really hard these days. Her gag reflex is working very well and it makes this a real challenge.
Leslie
Catherine came over to help and it was hard getting it in! I tried repeatedly to get it past her gag reflex and it just wouldn't go. 
I removed it a couple of times and just as I was thinking I might have to take her to the hospital to have someone else do it - it went down.
The tube near her nose keeps coming out a little and I'm hoping that it won't be like that as it will make it easy for a little finger to grab onto it. Just praying that this one will stay longer. It's just hard on both of us.
Thank you for your prayers. Feeding continues to be a big struggle here. I'm not seeing much to be encouraged about, though I'm still hoping. More and more I can see some benefits to having the Gtube surgery - though the thought of another surgery is not one I can dwell on for long.
Love to you all,
I removed it a couple of times and just as I was thinking I might have to take her to the hospital to have someone else do it - it went down. The tube near her nose keeps coming out a little and I'm hoping that it won't be like that as it will make it easy for a little finger to grab onto it. Just praying that this one will stay longer. It's just hard on both of us.
Thank you for your prayers. Feeding continues to be a big struggle here. I'm not seeing much to be encouraged about, though I'm still hoping. More and more I can see some benefits to having the Gtube surgery - though the thought of another surgery is not one I can dwell on for long.
Love to you all,
Leslie
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Needing wisdom!
Hi All,
If you are up late and reading this, could you please pray? Something is wrong with the feeding tube/pump/bag - I don't know which or what. *sigh* Just when we figured out a placement for the tube that isn't getting yanked out, I'm wondering if I'm going to have to pull it and start over.
I tried doing a feeding about 12:30. She was awake but wouldn't take the bottle. I tried this for a short while, but when it was evident that she wouldn't take it, I hooked her up to the pump. It ran fine for awhile and then began beeping with "flow error" messages. I tried all that I could think of to get it to work. I drained the bag, and restarted it. I shook up the formula to see if any of the added powder had settled. I tried resetting the pump. All of that still resulted in the flow errors. (Did I mention that this equipment came with no manual to help with any problems? Thankfully I had read the manual that came with the first pump we had and know at least some of the common problems.)
When I drained the bag a second time it seemed like there had been no difference in the amount of formula in the bag - even though it had been running. I'm not sure if there is a clog in "her" tubing. I tried flushing her tube with water. It went, but was a little difficult to push in. I also tried "listening" to her stomach with the stethoscope, and while I heard a noise, it didn't sound like it normally does. I'm not sure though if that is because it isn't empty like it normally is when I check tube placement prior to a feeding or if it's clogged or what.
I've been praying for wisdom. I really don't know what to do. It's late and not like I can phone anyone. The pump has no directions and I can't find anything on-line. (I really don't see what could be malfunctioning here though as I've checked as much on that as I can and it seems to be working fine.) The only next step I can see is to remove Eliana's tube. I just don't want to do that. It hurts her. I'm concerned about damaging her throat with the reinsertion.
I was so excited to have had this tube in for a week! That's the longest in quite a long while. I was hoping to make it until next week so that we could stretch out the times between tube placement.
Could you join me in praying for wisdom? I know that God promises to supply wisdom and I really need it. You could also pray that I wouldn't continue to be frustrated with my dh who went to sleep while I'm up trying to figure this out. I know he doesn't know what to do either. Being a parent is hard sometimes - but I wouldn't trade it for the world!
ETA: Just found instructions on line about the feeding pump and I'm going to go check out each one of the possible reasons for errors. Here's a link if anyone is interested.
http://www.horizonhealthcareservices.com/resources/kangaroo_pet.htm
Thank you friends!
Leslie
If you are up late and reading this, could you please pray? Something is wrong with the feeding tube/pump/bag - I don't know which or what. *sigh* Just when we figured out a placement for the tube that isn't getting yanked out, I'm wondering if I'm going to have to pull it and start over.
I tried doing a feeding about 12:30. She was awake but wouldn't take the bottle. I tried this for a short while, but when it was evident that she wouldn't take it, I hooked her up to the pump. It ran fine for awhile and then began beeping with "flow error" messages. I tried all that I could think of to get it to work. I drained the bag, and restarted it. I shook up the formula to see if any of the added powder had settled. I tried resetting the pump. All of that still resulted in the flow errors. (Did I mention that this equipment came with no manual to help with any problems? Thankfully I had read the manual that came with the first pump we had and know at least some of the common problems.)
When I drained the bag a second time it seemed like there had been no difference in the amount of formula in the bag - even though it had been running. I'm not sure if there is a clog in "her" tubing. I tried flushing her tube with water. It went, but was a little difficult to push in. I also tried "listening" to her stomach with the stethoscope, and while I heard a noise, it didn't sound like it normally does. I'm not sure though if that is because it isn't empty like it normally is when I check tube placement prior to a feeding or if it's clogged or what.
I've been praying for wisdom. I really don't know what to do. It's late and not like I can phone anyone. The pump has no directions and I can't find anything on-line. (I really don't see what could be malfunctioning here though as I've checked as much on that as I can and it seems to be working fine.) The only next step I can see is to remove Eliana's tube. I just don't want to do that. It hurts her. I'm concerned about damaging her throat with the reinsertion.
I was so excited to have had this tube in for a week! That's the longest in quite a long while. I was hoping to make it until next week so that we could stretch out the times between tube placement.
Could you join me in praying for wisdom? I know that God promises to supply wisdom and I really need it. You could also pray that I wouldn't continue to be frustrated with my dh who went to sleep while I'm up trying to figure this out. I know he doesn't know what to do either. Being a parent is hard sometimes - but I wouldn't trade it for the world!
ETA: Just found instructions on line about the feeding pump and I'm going to go check out each one of the possible reasons for errors. Here's a link if anyone is interested.
http://www.horizonhealthcareservices.com/resources/kangaroo_pet.htm
Thank you friends!
Leslie
Debating a trip ... and a fun photo of 3 of my boys!
I've been pondering a lot about whether Eliana and I can make a trip - to Richmond for the VA homeschool conference. Some dear friends are going to be there and I would love to see them. The difficulty of travelling with Eliana though is no small thing. I've been weighing out the benefits of being there with the stressors of going.
One of the holdbacks is a room. There isn't one available at the adjacent hotel and I'm not sure I can pull it off without being that close. With all of Eliana's equipment it would just be tough. I have a sweet friend that would be going with me or I wouldn't consider it at all.
Roger is checking one last time to see if there is a room - and if not we will probably not be going. I've just been praying that God would work out the details if we are to go - and give me a peace about whatever the decision turns out to be.
Just for fun - here is another picture. My boys love to dress up - usually as pirates or cowboys. This moment made me chuckle and I thought some of ya'll might enjoy it too. The boys are 2yo, 5yo and 7yo.
Love,
Leslie
One of the holdbacks is a room. There isn't one available at the adjacent hotel and I'm not sure I can pull it off without being that close. With all of Eliana's equipment it would just be tough. I have a sweet friend that would be going with me or I wouldn't consider it at all.
Roger is checking one last time to see if there is a room - and if not we will probably not be going. I've just been praying that God would work out the details if we are to go - and give me a peace about whatever the decision turns out to be.
Just for fun - here is another picture. My boys love to dress up - usually as pirates or cowboys. This moment made me chuckle and I thought some of ya'll might enjoy it too. The boys are 2yo, 5yo and 7yo.
Love,
Leslie
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Trying to get back into the swing of things
Finding that new normal. It's something I've talked about - and had others talk about it too. I know that things are going to be different. There are some parts of change that you expect with a new person added to your family. Eliana however has brought many more changes than we ever anticipated. There are many things I need to learn or relearn in a new way. I need new routines for managing my home and family. I need to get organized! (Something I really enjoy doing, but honestly just haven't had the energy to do yet.) I sometimes wonder why I'm not able to get more done. I wonder if I'm lazy. I think I should be able to handle what is on my plate now, but the reality is that it is going to just take awhile - for all of us.
While we are struggling with something as big as feeding, it's going to be hard to have things seem "normal". i sometimes wonder if I'll ever think things are normal again. I do have glimpses of it though. Times when the children are all playing - and including Eliana in their play. Tonight having the children (4 of them - the unhelpful one shall remain nameless) help with cleaning the wood floors just turned into a time of chaotic fun. (I loved watching our 2yo help - and his excitement of being a part of it all.) He also helped calm Eliana when she was fussy tonight in her swing just by being there and talking to her. It was sweet. Eliana is so very social and often if she gets upset, she just wants someone to talk to her.
As I try to figure out how things need to be managed, I am thankful to be on this side of surgery. Things are much better now. The time before surgery was just hard - painful - heavy. It's hard to even explain the overwhelming nature of all that I felt during those months. Walking through times of "crisis" is difficult and while we are on the other side of that difficulty, I know we have other trials to work through as well. Thankfull though we also have times of joy! Eliana is just a delight. She has the sweetest laugh, a smile that could melt an iceburg and the cutest little face. (Yes, I know I'm biased.)
There are many families facing surgery now or just recently been through it on a Downs Heart loop that I'm on. It is exciting to hear of each new child that successfully makes it through the surgery. Sometimes when I reflect on Eliana's medical issues, I think that had she been born in a different time, she would not be here. It isn't just the heart, but the fact that going into heart failure made her unable to eat. I'm so very thankful that we didn't have to walk that road. I'm thankful for the many medical advisors and doctors we have had to care for our sweet daughter. I'm thankful for the work God has done in her - and also the work He is doing in me.
I'm praying that through all of this that God would give me peace, wisdom, patience and a heart filled with love. I know that some of the requests I've made have not been answered as I would have liked. I know also that many of them have - and even sweeter are the times I've been given a answer to something I had not yet asked for. God is good. He is faithful. He is my strong tower.
Eliana's feeding is not improving. At times she seems to do better after some oral exercises, but not enough. In fact, her feedings seem to be getting worse. One of my friends commented that it was hard to believe she had feeding issues when she was so pudgy. It's just due to the feeding tube though. Today she ate 2.5 oz by the bottle (12:30am - 9pm). At the 12:30am feeding just now, she did take 2 ounces which is much better than she has done recently. I am still hopeful, though also trying to be realistic that there may not be an easy fix for our sweet girl.
Thursday morning, I will be meeting again with the feeding therapist. (#4 from the list below) I'm looking forward to hearing what she has to say. Later that afternoon we'll see the physical therapist. I think Eliana is doing well with her physical skills. She is quick at rolling and enjoys doing it.
I am hoping to post some updates on Rebecca's wholehearted bracelets soon. She has taken the last month off to work on finishing up some of her badge work for our Keepers of the Faith club. She has been diligent to finish up her badges. Just today she started beading again. We have some outstanding orders and hope to get to those soon! I'm also planning to post some photos of her bracelets here for those that would like to see them.
Please keep us in your prayers.
With love,
Leslie
While we are struggling with something as big as feeding, it's going to be hard to have things seem "normal". i sometimes wonder if I'll ever think things are normal again. I do have glimpses of it though. Times when the children are all playing - and including Eliana in their play. Tonight having the children (4 of them - the unhelpful one shall remain nameless) help with cleaning the wood floors just turned into a time of chaotic fun. (I loved watching our 2yo help - and his excitement of being a part of it all.) He also helped calm Eliana when she was fussy tonight in her swing just by being there and talking to her. It was sweet. Eliana is so very social and often if she gets upset, she just wants someone to talk to her.
As I try to figure out how things need to be managed, I am thankful to be on this side of surgery. Things are much better now. The time before surgery was just hard - painful - heavy. It's hard to even explain the overwhelming nature of all that I felt during those months. Walking through times of "crisis" is difficult and while we are on the other side of that difficulty, I know we have other trials to work through as well. Thankfull though we also have times of joy! Eliana is just a delight. She has the sweetest laugh, a smile that could melt an iceburg and the cutest little face. (Yes, I know I'm biased.)
There are many families facing surgery now or just recently been through it on a Downs Heart loop that I'm on. It is exciting to hear of each new child that successfully makes it through the surgery. Sometimes when I reflect on Eliana's medical issues, I think that had she been born in a different time, she would not be here. It isn't just the heart, but the fact that going into heart failure made her unable to eat. I'm so very thankful that we didn't have to walk that road. I'm thankful for the many medical advisors and doctors we have had to care for our sweet daughter. I'm thankful for the work God has done in her - and also the work He is doing in me.
I'm praying that through all of this that God would give me peace, wisdom, patience and a heart filled with love. I know that some of the requests I've made have not been answered as I would have liked. I know also that many of them have - and even sweeter are the times I've been given a answer to something I had not yet asked for. God is good. He is faithful. He is my strong tower.
Eliana's feeding is not improving. At times she seems to do better after some oral exercises, but not enough. In fact, her feedings seem to be getting worse. One of my friends commented that it was hard to believe she had feeding issues when she was so pudgy. It's just due to the feeding tube though. Today she ate 2.5 oz by the bottle (12:30am - 9pm). At the 12:30am feeding just now, she did take 2 ounces which is much better than she has done recently. I am still hopeful, though also trying to be realistic that there may not be an easy fix for our sweet girl.
Thursday morning, I will be meeting again with the feeding therapist. (#4 from the list below) I'm looking forward to hearing what she has to say. Later that afternoon we'll see the physical therapist. I think Eliana is doing well with her physical skills. She is quick at rolling and enjoys doing it.
I am hoping to post some updates on Rebecca's wholehearted bracelets soon. She has taken the last month off to work on finishing up some of her badge work for our Keepers of the Faith club. She has been diligent to finish up her badges. Just today she started beading again. We have some outstanding orders and hope to get to those soon! I'm also planning to post some photos of her bracelets here for those that would like to see them.
Please keep us in your prayers.
With love,
Leslie
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Just a sweet picture!
I love this photo of our little cutie pie! She loves rolling over and is working hard to build up strength in holding her head up. She also loves to stare at her hands - her left had in particular. She often holds it up in the air while gazing intently at the marvelous hand she controls. It is really cute!
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Feeding update
I received a phone call yesterday morning from the pediatrician's office. She had the therapist on the line and wanted me on too so that we could get an appointment in asap. She asked if I'd be available at 12:30 and I said YES. I was happy to have someone to see that would hopefully give me more information on our options and ideas on the need for a G-tube. I know that I've mentioned before that the NG tube (the one Eliana has that goes from her nose down to her stomach) is not a good long-term option. We had initially considered the G-tube, but the cardiologist didn't think we had time. He wanted at least 6 weeks in between surgeries and didn't think we had that much time until her heart needed to be repaired. Thankfully we did have more time for her to grow and get stronger, but also more time for the tube. It's been almost 4 months now. I don't think it can stay too much longer. (Maybe another month?)
I think I might have been confusing in one of my posts about feeding therapists. It's not surprising since to date, I've seen at least 5. Someone joked that by the time we're done I may have seen all of them in our area. She may be right. Here's a run-down of the folks I've seen and the order in which I've seen them.
1. Pediatric OT (occupational therapist) in the hospital. She was wonderful and very helpful, but only sees children that are "in-patient". We saw her in Feb when the NG tube was placed and again after heart surgery. I've talked with her some on the phone since, but can't see her.
2. Speech or OT (can't remember) that was out-patient with the hospital. Also helpful and works on the same floor as all of our cardiac appointments. Our goal though was to find someone to come to my home as that is most helpful and also easier for me!
3. Physical therapist/feeding that came to my home. Very nice gal, though some of her suggestions haven't felt right to my mommy heart - and I told her that. Most feeding therapists have a speech or occupational background. This gal has many, many years experience working in the NICU helping get babies to eat. She has continued to come to my home while I was also scheduled to see an OT for more feeding help given Eliana's problems.
4. Occupational therapist (OT) that sees a friend's child at a facility near the hospital. Really liked her, but her schedule was so booked that after seeing her last week, I couldnt get another appointment for 3 weeks. Really too long to wait given Eliana's current condition.
5. Second feeding therapist at the same facility as above. She worked us in yesterday at the urging of Eliana's ped. Also nice and helpful.
Eliana, Daniel and I left for the appointment around noon. (My other children were in the co-op camp at the time.) Daniel wanted to go with me and was good during the appointment. I think at some point he will also need to be seen by someone there as he has some feeding issues too. (Very picky on a not normal scale.) The therapist helped with some ideas on getting him started too which was nice as she also thought he could be helped with some therapy based on things I shared and some that she observed. She was very nice about him being there and playing in the room and interacting with him too.
One of the first things she commented on was the placement of Eliana's feeding tube. Quite unusual to say the least. She even took a picture of it! She said that if it's working, not to change it and it is working thus far - she has not pulled it out since it was placed this way. (She does try if awake during a tube feeding so needs to really be watched then.) It's been 2 days so far! (Who would imagine that it would seem like a long stretch to go 2 days!)
We tried feeding, various oral stimulation exercises, different ways to hold her during feeding, etc. All in all she took close to 2 ounces (which is pretty good for her) in about 40 minutes. Still too little and too long. The therapist commented that she was working pretty hard and not very effectively. She also agreed that it didn't appear to be a hunger-driven problem confirmed by the times I've left the tube out and seen no improvment.
The therapist said that she does think Eliana will need a G-tube. She didn't see any reason to believe that things would improve quickly enough to avoid it. She shared that she had an NG tube for 10 days once and that it changed her nose.
She said that it hasn't been the same since and that she has problems with sinus infections on that side now too. Oh, I hate thinking that she'll have long-term issues with her tiny nose due to this! I know that the size of her nose (really small compared to others her age) will likely be problematic and to think that it may be increased, well, I'll pray that it's not!
The therapist also commented on her skin. I told her that it actually looked better. She thought it was a problem and even commented that her skin was "fragile" all over her body. She said that if she did get a Gtube that her skin might also be a problem around that site. Guess this will have to be a strong prayer request too!
She also said that there was a cancellation with therapist #4 and she pencilled me in for a time next week! So thankful for that kindness! And the appointment time is very close to her normal feeding time which is also a blessing! I hadn't asked for this but it was so kind of God to provide it for us!
I left the appointment with the confirmation that what I thought was going to happen, will most likely be occuring soon. Another surgery for my little girl. Just the thought makes tears well up in my eyes. I know that it isn't as "serious" as heart surgery, but any surgery is serious. Another hospital stay. I don't know any details yet on the surgery at all. We have an appointment with the cardiologist on the 11th and will likely find out more then. Guess I should probably start doing some research. (This isn't my strong suit and I've been most blessed by several friends that have done this for me at various times.)
We also left with some oral motor exercises to do with Eliana which she likes or at least doesn't mind. She is pretty easy-going though and doesn't mind a whole lot. She really is a sweetheart!
I have an adorable picture of her taken today. I'll try to have one of my guys upload it so ya'll can see it soon.
Please keep praying for feeding issues, wisdom on the decision about surgery and Eliana's heath. Oh, and a small prayer for my hand. I burned it tonight while helping Rebecca cook something for her Sunday School class tomorrow. (She was making breakfast pizzas by cooking them in the pan then placing the pan in the oven to broil for 3 minutes. After taking the pan out of the oven, I set it on the stove. A few moments later I grabbed the handle - and burned my hand. It isn't bad - but it does "burn".)
I'm far behind on answering notes, emails and phone calls. Please know that I treasure each one and am very thankful for all of you! God is good!
With love,
Leslie
I think I might have been confusing in one of my posts about feeding therapists. It's not surprising since to date, I've seen at least 5. Someone joked that by the time we're done I may have seen all of them in our area. She may be right. Here's a run-down of the folks I've seen and the order in which I've seen them.
1. Pediatric OT (occupational therapist) in the hospital. She was wonderful and very helpful, but only sees children that are "in-patient". We saw her in Feb when the NG tube was placed and again after heart surgery. I've talked with her some on the phone since, but can't see her.
2. Speech or OT (can't remember) that was out-patient with the hospital. Also helpful and works on the same floor as all of our cardiac appointments. Our goal though was to find someone to come to my home as that is most helpful and also easier for me!
3. Physical therapist/feeding that came to my home. Very nice gal, though some of her suggestions haven't felt right to my mommy heart - and I told her that. Most feeding therapists have a speech or occupational background. This gal has many, many years experience working in the NICU helping get babies to eat. She has continued to come to my home while I was also scheduled to see an OT for more feeding help given Eliana's problems.
4. Occupational therapist (OT) that sees a friend's child at a facility near the hospital. Really liked her, but her schedule was so booked that after seeing her last week, I couldnt get another appointment for 3 weeks. Really too long to wait given Eliana's current condition.
5. Second feeding therapist at the same facility as above. She worked us in yesterday at the urging of Eliana's ped. Also nice and helpful.
Eliana, Daniel and I left for the appointment around noon. (My other children were in the co-op camp at the time.) Daniel wanted to go with me and was good during the appointment. I think at some point he will also need to be seen by someone there as he has some feeding issues too. (Very picky on a not normal scale.) The therapist helped with some ideas on getting him started too which was nice as she also thought he could be helped with some therapy based on things I shared and some that she observed. She was very nice about him being there and playing in the room and interacting with him too.
One of the first things she commented on was the placement of Eliana's feeding tube. Quite unusual to say the least. She even took a picture of it! She said that if it's working, not to change it and it is working thus far - she has not pulled it out since it was placed this way. (She does try if awake during a tube feeding so needs to really be watched then.) It's been 2 days so far! (Who would imagine that it would seem like a long stretch to go 2 days!)
We tried feeding, various oral stimulation exercises, different ways to hold her during feeding, etc. All in all she took close to 2 ounces (which is pretty good for her) in about 40 minutes. Still too little and too long. The therapist commented that she was working pretty hard and not very effectively. She also agreed that it didn't appear to be a hunger-driven problem confirmed by the times I've left the tube out and seen no improvment.
The therapist said that she does think Eliana will need a G-tube. She didn't see any reason to believe that things would improve quickly enough to avoid it. She shared that she had an NG tube for 10 days once and that it changed her nose.
She said that it hasn't been the same since and that she has problems with sinus infections on that side now too. Oh, I hate thinking that she'll have long-term issues with her tiny nose due to this! I know that the size of her nose (really small compared to others her age) will likely be problematic and to think that it may be increased, well, I'll pray that it's not!The therapist also commented on her skin. I told her that it actually looked better. She thought it was a problem and even commented that her skin was "fragile" all over her body. She said that if she did get a Gtube that her skin might also be a problem around that site. Guess this will have to be a strong prayer request too!
She also said that there was a cancellation with therapist #4 and she pencilled me in for a time next week! So thankful for that kindness! And the appointment time is very close to her normal feeding time which is also a blessing! I hadn't asked for this but it was so kind of God to provide it for us!
I left the appointment with the confirmation that what I thought was going to happen, will most likely be occuring soon. Another surgery for my little girl. Just the thought makes tears well up in my eyes. I know that it isn't as "serious" as heart surgery, but any surgery is serious. Another hospital stay. I don't know any details yet on the surgery at all. We have an appointment with the cardiologist on the 11th and will likely find out more then. Guess I should probably start doing some research. (This isn't my strong suit and I've been most blessed by several friends that have done this for me at various times.)
We also left with some oral motor exercises to do with Eliana which she likes or at least doesn't mind. She is pretty easy-going though and doesn't mind a whole lot. She really is a sweetheart!
I have an adorable picture of her taken today. I'll try to have one of my guys upload it so ya'll can see it soon.
Please keep praying for feeding issues, wisdom on the decision about surgery and Eliana's heath. Oh, and a small prayer for my hand. I burned it tonight while helping Rebecca cook something for her Sunday School class tomorrow. (She was making breakfast pizzas by cooking them in the pan then placing the pan in the oven to broil for 3 minutes. After taking the pan out of the oven, I set it on the stove. A few moments later I grabbed the handle - and burned my hand. It isn't bad - but it does "burn".)
I'm far behind on answering notes, emails and phone calls. Please know that I treasure each one and am very thankful for all of you! God is good!
With love,
Leslie
Thursday, May 31, 2007
On being "emotional"
I'm surrounded by boys at almost every turn (and thankful for each one of them and my girls too!). My sweet boys don't always appreciate or even understand "emotion". This is often pointed out by my 14yo son as something that just "isn't logical". It hasn't been a trait that I would have used to describe myself - until 6 months ago. I probably shouldn't be blogging now as I'm feeling emotional and overwhelmed right now. I honestly do pretty well a lot of the time, but there are times when I feel so discouraged.
The future used to be all hopes and dreams. I knew that there would come hard times, but I didn't know what they looked like. Now, I can see some of them - or perhaps I think I can. I see my friends struggling with their own special blessings and I long for the simplicity of my life. I wish my sweet little girl didn't have to struggle so very much to do even the most basic of things - like eating. I wonder if it's all going to be a struggle. I really shouldn't be writing now, should I? It sounds depressing even to me.
I talked with Eliana's pediatrician today about all that has been going on with her feeding. She agrees that hunger doesn't appear to be what is driving her and that there is something oral motor going on. She too is questioning if the G-tube is something to consider now. I told her that while I would do whatever I could to prevent Eliana from having to undergo another surgery, that I was feeling resigned to the fact that this was probably inevitable.
We just aren't seeing improvement at all. I've tried various bottles and nipples. I've tried sensory exercises. I've tried not tube feeding to see if it improved her ability to eat - and it doesn't! She has pulled her tube out so very many times this week that I've tried leaving it out in order for her face to heal. Yesterday she pulled her tube after her 6am feeding. I put it in about 9:30 or 9:45pm. During that time she ate less than 6 ounces and should have had 16oz. Did I say this already in another post? Sorry if I'm repeating myself.
The pediatrician is calling another feeding specialist at Duke tomorrow and asking for an emergency meeting with Eliana and I. She wants her to help assess whether we need a Gtube. She has specialty in cardiac babies. I am hoping she can help. I'm also afraid to hope - afraid that it will be more of the unknown. I feel like I'm being asked to make decisions while given conflicting information and nothing is concrete. It's so hard to know what to do. Roger isn't able to help because he knows less about all of this than I do. (He doesn't have the benefit of meeting with people/specialists or reading articles or having people talk/share their experiences.) I am so very thankful for the many people that are reaching out to share ideas, articles, stories and more with me! Truly I am thankful.
The ped hopes that the specialist will be able to offer some insight. She said that it couldn't hurt to get another opinion. I agree. It's hard for me to be the "expert" on Eliana sometimes as I feel like there is so much I don't know.
On a different subject this has been a really fun week for my children. They have been participating in a co-operative camp with a group of friends. They are learning and having a blast! They are so excited to face each day and I'm so glad that they are having these experiences. This last 5.5 months has been different and difficult for our whole family and it's nice to have a little bit of "normal" back into our lives. We are hosting the camp at home (my house and Catherine's house) which makes it easier for me to participate. It's really the only way we can participate due to the feeding issues.
Catherine and I taught today and it was so much fun. We had 12 children ages 4-9 and they are delightful! We had two sweet friends here helping with our younger children - and Eliana decided to nap through most of the morning. We learned about birds, read stories, made a bird bath, ate "nests" (rice krispy treats with goodies inside) and gathered materials and made nests. We have taught this camp before - 5 years ago to their older siblings - so planning it was a breeze. It's our 10th year of teaching camp together. It's one of those "last things" that are hard for us right now as their time here is winding down. Please pray for my sweet friend as she has much on her plate right now!
I'm going to close as I'm not sure I have much to add that would be encouraging. As I sit here and think with tears rolling down my cheeks. Please continue to pray. Thank you for being faithful.
With love,
Leslie
PS I need to add something encouraging. Tonight as I was sitting and holding Eliana in my lap, she just started laughing. I wasn't paying attention to her at the time and am not sure what she found humorous, but something tickled her. She just laughed and laughed. She has the sweetest smile and laugh. I think she is just precious and despite all of the trials, I am so glad that she is part of our family!
As I was reading the Bible this morning and thinking about birds, I read Psalm 8. It's a beautiful chapter about God's power and majesty. Verse 2 mentioned something that I was surprised to see this morning - a reference to our struggles (Eliana's mouth/eating).
"From the mouth of infants and nursing babes Thou hast established strength, because of Thine adversaries, to make the enemy and the revengeful cease." Ps 8:2
I'm not sure exactly what God wanted me to get from this - but just the fact that He is aware of my/our struggles and cares. Even to the smallest detail of my life. Is God going to use this struggle to establish strength? I hope so. I know that He can. He alone can. I praise you Lord for your name is majestic in all the earth!
The future used to be all hopes and dreams. I knew that there would come hard times, but I didn't know what they looked like. Now, I can see some of them - or perhaps I think I can. I see my friends struggling with their own special blessings and I long for the simplicity of my life. I wish my sweet little girl didn't have to struggle so very much to do even the most basic of things - like eating. I wonder if it's all going to be a struggle. I really shouldn't be writing now, should I? It sounds depressing even to me.
I talked with Eliana's pediatrician today about all that has been going on with her feeding. She agrees that hunger doesn't appear to be what is driving her and that there is something oral motor going on. She too is questioning if the G-tube is something to consider now. I told her that while I would do whatever I could to prevent Eliana from having to undergo another surgery, that I was feeling resigned to the fact that this was probably inevitable.
We just aren't seeing improvement at all. I've tried various bottles and nipples. I've tried sensory exercises. I've tried not tube feeding to see if it improved her ability to eat - and it doesn't! She has pulled her tube out so very many times this week that I've tried leaving it out in order for her face to heal. Yesterday she pulled her tube after her 6am feeding. I put it in about 9:30 or 9:45pm. During that time she ate less than 6 ounces and should have had 16oz. Did I say this already in another post? Sorry if I'm repeating myself.
The pediatrician is calling another feeding specialist at Duke tomorrow and asking for an emergency meeting with Eliana and I. She wants her to help assess whether we need a Gtube. She has specialty in cardiac babies. I am hoping she can help. I'm also afraid to hope - afraid that it will be more of the unknown. I feel like I'm being asked to make decisions while given conflicting information and nothing is concrete. It's so hard to know what to do. Roger isn't able to help because he knows less about all of this than I do. (He doesn't have the benefit of meeting with people/specialists or reading articles or having people talk/share their experiences.) I am so very thankful for the many people that are reaching out to share ideas, articles, stories and more with me! Truly I am thankful.
The ped hopes that the specialist will be able to offer some insight. She said that it couldn't hurt to get another opinion. I agree. It's hard for me to be the "expert" on Eliana sometimes as I feel like there is so much I don't know.
On a different subject this has been a really fun week for my children. They have been participating in a co-operative camp with a group of friends. They are learning and having a blast! They are so excited to face each day and I'm so glad that they are having these experiences. This last 5.5 months has been different and difficult for our whole family and it's nice to have a little bit of "normal" back into our lives. We are hosting the camp at home (my house and Catherine's house) which makes it easier for me to participate. It's really the only way we can participate due to the feeding issues.
Catherine and I taught today and it was so much fun. We had 12 children ages 4-9 and they are delightful! We had two sweet friends here helping with our younger children - and Eliana decided to nap through most of the morning. We learned about birds, read stories, made a bird bath, ate "nests" (rice krispy treats with goodies inside) and gathered materials and made nests. We have taught this camp before - 5 years ago to their older siblings - so planning it was a breeze. It's our 10th year of teaching camp together. It's one of those "last things" that are hard for us right now as their time here is winding down. Please pray for my sweet friend as she has much on her plate right now!
I'm going to close as I'm not sure I have much to add that would be encouraging. As I sit here and think with tears rolling down my cheeks. Please continue to pray. Thank you for being faithful.
With love,
Leslie
PS I need to add something encouraging. Tonight as I was sitting and holding Eliana in my lap, she just started laughing. I wasn't paying attention to her at the time and am not sure what she found humorous, but something tickled her. She just laughed and laughed. She has the sweetest smile and laugh. I think she is just precious and despite all of the trials, I am so glad that she is part of our family!
As I was reading the Bible this morning and thinking about birds, I read Psalm 8. It's a beautiful chapter about God's power and majesty. Verse 2 mentioned something that I was surprised to see this morning - a reference to our struggles (Eliana's mouth/eating).
"From the mouth of infants and nursing babes Thou hast established strength, because of Thine adversaries, to make the enemy and the revengeful cease." Ps 8:2
I'm not sure exactly what God wanted me to get from this - but just the fact that He is aware of my/our struggles and cares. Even to the smallest detail of my life. Is God going to use this struggle to establish strength? I hope so. I know that He can. He alone can. I praise you Lord for your name is majestic in all the earth!
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