Thursday, September 18, 2008


So many things are reminders - but maybe it's really that I just haven't forgotten.  This "should" be an exciting time - when I'd be counting down the days.  It's less than a month until my "due" date that isn't any more.  I think about it every day.  It's one of those things though that feels so alone. 

It's not really "proper" to talk about it, is it?  It is certainly a subject that makes many people uncomfortable.  I remember one of my children being told not to mention it after my first miscarriage.  Yet, so many have experienced it.  Why does it feel so lonely?

I received something in the mail this week.  A note from a company congratulating me on my upcoming birth.  A guide to labor and the hospital.  The promise of a gift when I got there.  It made me cry.

Sometimes I feel like such a drag even mentioning that its still hard.  I feel like I should have gotten over it by now.  It can make me feel like I have no faith, that I'm weak or untrusting.  (I know I am weak and I'm continually trying to trust.)  I know that in the grand scheme of life that this is small compared to so many other things.  I also know that God cares about all of the details of our life .   

I've been talking about it with God.  Just yesterday at our field trip, one sweet friend came up to me and asked me about the approaching date.  I was honestly surprised and touched that she remembered.  I shared with her that it was hard and that it often felt really lonely.  She gave me a small gift to show me that she was thinking of me.  What a gift of God's love this sweet friend's remembrance was to me.  I had cried out to Him and He heard me. 

I'm not sure why I'm posting this.  I'd love your prayers.  Sometimes, my heart just hurts.  I keep telling myself to be happy with the children that I do have.  It's not that though.   I'm very happy with the children that I have.  I just feel like I could love more.  I know that I'm blessed - beyond what I ever could have expected.   

I'm still grieving this loss, this child.  I so want to hold and love this little one.  I know that the approach of the due date will just bring sad feelings.  It is something else to learn from, to lean on God and to hope in Him.

Reminders.  I know that God is good.  I know that He loves me.  I know that our little one is safe in His arms.  I know that no matter what happens, God has a plan for my life.  I remind myself of these truths often - maybe someone reading needs a reminder too.  It is easy to listen to the lies and whispers from the enemy.  I am seeking to hear God.  God is a voice of truth - of hope - of love.  He loves you - cares about you and every detail of your life.