Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Some sweet times

At times now I'm living aware of the importance of time - of making the most of the moments.  It's probably a good way to live all of the time.  Aware of the words I'm saying and choosing them carefully.  Saying "yes" more often to the children even when it may not be most convenient for me.  Taking time to make memories and to just have fun.  Choosing the best and not just the easiest.

We've had Catherine's girls over here most of the day.  It's been fun hearing the children playing and laughing together.  Sharing a meal together - well in shifts due to tending to the babies - but still nice.

The children played in my bedroom tonight for a long time.  I loved watching them and listening to them.  I fixed the girl's hair in rag curls.  It will be fun to see how it turns out tomorrow.  I hope it's cute!  They enjoyed giggling and being silly.  We had some good discussions together and prayers too.  I'm thankful for these times.  I'm also looking forward to more of them in the future.  I know it will be different, but it will just mean that I need to be more intentional with my time instead of casual with it. 

I could probably stand to be more intentional in all of my relationships.  Putting more thought into all that I do and say.  Examining my heart, my motives and my actions.  Making sure that I'm doing and saying the things that God wants so that I can become the person He has created me to be. 

I know that I've had much time to ponder, pray and think about things over much of the last year.  I've wrestled with God over a variety of things.  I don't ever "win" and I'm not sure why I struggle so at times.  When I'm afraid of the path that God has chosen, it's hard to just say "yes" sometimes, to surrender completely.  I've still got much to learn.  It's a good reminder for me to see how much I have to learn so that I don't become frustrated with my own children when they are struggling to obey or listen or learn. 

Tomorrow our dear friends will head out for their new home.  Please join me in praying for their transition.  There will be many changes and challenges facing them - though I know that God's loving arms will be wrapped tightly around them.  I know that He will care for them, led them and love on them.  I know that this is true for us too.  That doesn't erase the hurt and the sadness that we will feel, but hopefully peace will reign in our hearts and minds.

I'm feeling more at peace tonight than I have in quite awhile.  I appreciate those of you that have encouraged me with your words and prayers.  So many have shared stories with me that were so very helpful.  I'm glad that God is able to touch my heart through these and other means.  God is not through with me.  He has carried me - even when I don't feel it - and been with me all along.  I know this, but at times have to go through it again and again to believe it in a new way.  I'm thankful for a patient and loving Father. 

I'm thankful too for those of you that have been patient with me as I've rambled, ranted and cried.  I've made myself vulnerable and with that can come great comfort and also more pain.  It was a choice I made - though perhaps will make differently for the future.  I don't know.  For now, I am feeling God's peace that passes understanding.  I needed to wrestle it out myself with God.  My words though gave others a view to my struggles.  I hope that in some small way that God will be able to use my own struggles to help someone else. 

It's really not in my hands.  I know that He can do amazing things out of a small and sometimes unsightly piece of clay.  I'm willing to surrender.  It's not like a choice anyway though is it?!  Have your will Lord.  Mold me as you will. 

He is with me - as always.   

With love,



God help me my unbelief. 

I know that God loves me.  I know that He cares for me deeply.  I am praying that I can really let go and trust Him.   It's not always easy though.  One more opportunity to trust.  Trust the One that loves me completely.  The One who has promised never to leave me or forsake me.  As someone reminded me, He has not promised an easy or even a happy life. 

A precious friend shared these words with me.  They encouraged me greatly and I thought someone else might need to read them as well.

 I was once told to let myself be weak and let Him be strong for me. It is like clinging to a rope and slowly getting weaker and being afraid of what will happen if you fall. As weariness over takes me and my grip slips, I cry out in desparation "Oh, Lord, I can't do this! I can't bear this. I can't hold myself anymore. Please, Father, help me!" Sometimes He puts His arms over mine and helps me hold on, other times He let me falls off that rope, the first feeling is of terror but landing in His loving arms and feeling surrounded by His strength is comforting beyond words. Which ever He chooses to do, dear Leslie, He loves you more than you will ever understand and He is so VERY, VERY near.

I know I must sound like I'm having a pity party over here.  At times I probably am.  I'm trying to trust - and at times not doing a very good job.  I'm trying to listen to God and fall completely into His arms.  I'm praying that God would help me to trust.  I'm also being completely real with my feelings and like I've mentioned before I sometimes wonder if I should be.  I wonder if I should just pour out my heart to God alone.  I wouldn't want to say anything that might hurt someone else.  I wouldn't want to say anything that would damage someone else's faith.  And honestly, I don't want to make myself vulnerable to more hurt.   

For now though, my heart does hurt. 

Eliana's last two feedings have been better!!!  Her feeding therapist thought she was in pain based on her response to touch while we were at her appointment.  Poor sweet baby.  She is also seeming a little constipated which might also affect her eating.  I hope that her lack of  feeding is based on some external factor like these that can be addressed and hopefully fixed!  I have great hopes that one day my little girl will be able to eat completely on her own!  Oh what a happy day that will be! 

I did have a bit of humor in my day - something that you might find funny too.  I'll admit it irritated me when I first saw it - but I also saw the humor in it.  We received a package today from the medical supply company.  I was hopeful when I opened it that finally the extension tube had arrived.  (This is the tube that connects Eliana's button to the feeding pump.)  We've already received 2 wrong shipments waiting for this tube.  Well, we got an extension tube - but not the one that we need.  The one we received is a "Male external catheter tube".  *sigh*  I know that I explained that this was for my infant daughter.  I did call today, but since it was after 5pm I wasn't able to talk with the person I needed to talk with and will need to wait until tomorrow.  This is the 5th wrong shipment we have been sent.  I'm really hoping that they can get it figured out soon!

Thank you to each of you that are praying.  I am grateful.  Thank you too for your words of encouragment and hope.  I appreciate them.  I am thankful to be a part of the body of Christ.  I am thankful for the verses of love and hope that you share with me.

With love,