Sunday, August 19, 2007

Fears ... tears ... friends ... encouragment

So many things to say - yet my mind is such a jumble and my heart is so heavy.  I wonder sometimes if things had been timed differently would it be so hard?  It's just been so much for so long.  From a physically VERY difficult pregnancy to all of the many issues we've faced with Eliana, from sleepless nights to saying good-bye.  I'm weary and tired.  And very sad.  I'm struggling and really appreciate your prayers.

I have a new request for Eliana.  The site around her "button" has been red and irritated looking for a week or so.  I've been treating it per the dr's orders.  This morning I noticed that it looked swollen, very red and much larger coming around the button.  It's just not right.  I took her to see the ped on call today and he prescribed an antibiotic for her. He said though it was weird to say - that he hoped it was an infection -  as this would clear it up.  If it isn't better in a couple of days, I will need to go back and see the surgeon.

I asked if there were anything that I could have done - and he quickly told me that it wasn't my fault. I asked if there was something different I could have done and he said no. I'm not the best at attending to details and I would hate to think that this would hurt my sweet girl.  He encouraged me by saying that even though he didn't know us that he could tell she was well cared for.  He also told me that he was surprised to see this as her surgical sites have all healed well.  (It's granulation tissue for those that are in the know medically.)  I'm not sure what all of this means - and don't think I want to know right now either. My mind is full and my heart is heavy. I know that the "site" is not completely healed yet and am hoping that one of the problems won't be that it closes or becomes compromised in any way. I'm not sure I can deal with any "what ifs" so I'm choosing to stay in the dark.  I know - not the best way of dealing with things - but it's all I can do right now.

I hosted the first Mom's meeting for our support group today. Only I wasn't here to start the meeting since I was at the doctor's office so thankfully two friends took over for me.  Thank you Lea for the food and help with the meeting.  Thank you Catherine for stepping in and welcoming everyone and helping too.  Something we are used to doing for each other.  Something I am going to miss.  We have organized things for this group for a long time.  I really don't want to do it without her.  Today as people were making introductions (we had new folks in our meeting) we said our name, children's names and ages and were we lived.  (We live in a metro area with many cities in close proximity.)  When it was Catherine's turn and she said she would be living next door for another 72 hours ...  I did pretty well holding it together - much better than I'm doing now.  It was a sweet time with other moms.  It always has been.  I was thankful for friends bringing food and drinks as I hadn't done that.  Lots of hugs too.  I appreciate the care of my friends so very much. 

Someone asked me today how I could "do so much'.  That question surprises me (though it isn't the first time I've been asked) as I don't feel like I do "so much".  I didn't really know what to say.  I pondered on that more today and realized that much of what I'm able to do is due to having wonderful friends.  I am truly blessed beyond measure with an amazing group of friends.  There are many things I don't have to do - or learn - as I can depend on friends to pick up these areas.  (Learning about nature for example is a huge deficit for me - and I'm fortunate to have friends that know so much.)  I have a group of dear friends that have helped carry this load, helped to plan co-ops, camps, field trips and events for our group.  As I reflect on my friends my heart is filled with thankfulness.  For you dear ones that are reading - thank you!  I try to be careful about not talking about people by name - don't want to embarrass you if you don't want to be listed.  (Sorry Catherine - I know you would have rather remained nameless too - but you have already been named.)

I feel  I keep trying to write what I'm feeling and I'm having a hard time. I'm not depressed - just so very tired, weary and sad. I don't think I've ever been in such a hard place for such a long time. I've cried more in the last 8 months it seems than I have in my entire life. I never thought of myself as particularly emotional - but I couldn't say that now

I've typed and deleted and wondered about what to write.  Putting my thoughts to paper just leads me to tears.  I keep wondering if one day things will ever be like they were before - I know that the answer is no.  Please keep praying for the many hearts that are aching due to this move.  My oldest son doesn't understand why I don't just "look at the bright side" of things.  I told him that I didn't see a bright side.   I see something that God has allowed or is orchestrating that right now just hurts.  I know that He will work good in this.  I am trusting - or trying to - that He will do some amazing things.

Until then, I'm just sad.

One last thing.  I would love if any of you could post ideas, verses, poems, etc. of encouragment.  I'd love to put these together for Catherine.  If  you have ideas to share, please send them or post them here.  I've received some neat ones already from friends.

Thank you for your prayers and support.

With love,