Yesterday I was struggling with emotions - feeling grief again at our loss, as several around me were celebrating and announcing a new pregnancy. It's not that I'm not happy for them, just still sad for us. I would be halfway through the pregnancy by now - feeling better, showing and enjoying little kicks. I don't always do a good job in "dealing" with my emotions. I think I'd rather just stuff them away and try to move on - rather than ponder. (I've never been one to do well in answering those reflective types of questions. either.) I'm having some help though and for that I'm grateful.
A dear friend sent a book to help me process my grief. (Thank you Christine!!!) It is entitled Grieving the Child I Never Knew. It does help me to spend time thinking through and making sure I am dealing with things and don't become a walking emotional time bomb. (Can anyone relate to that?) Even so, at times I want to skim and not dig in. I'm not sure why I do this - protection? denial? fear? I know I like to put off thinking about things.
I received another blessing a few weeks ago, and I'm not sure if I shared about it. Rebecca made me a small scrapbook about our "little one". It is filled with special things and notes in her own sweet handwriting. It has an ultrasound picture, a poem she wrote for our baby, a picture of the rose bush we planted in memory and more. It's really a very loving keepsake. I am again amazed at the heart of this young woman, my daughter. This was hard for her and yet she is finding a way to deal with her grief and also bless me at the same time.
As I was thinking yesterday, my 6yo asked me if I knew what was coming in two days. He also asked me if this was my favorite day. I had to honestly answer "no" because of all that I see around me in regards to this day. While it is meant to be a day for celebration, it is also filled with a variety of emotions for so many people.
- HAPPINESS - for those blessed with family they love - mothers and children
- GRIEF - for those that have lost their mother or a child
- GUILT - for those who have not lived up to the expectations - their own or someone elses
- JOY - for those celebrating a life within
- ANGER - for those who feel pushed into something they don't want; a relationship that drains them or a person that they will never be able to please
- FEAR or PAIN - for those in a difficult place with someone that they love
- PEACE - for those who find contentment right where they are; living just where God has them
Life is hard. God is good. I'm thankful that even in the midst of the hard things, that I have something ... someone good to cling to! I am blessed in so many ways.
I am blessed to have a wonderful Mom that I wish we could spend the day with too! I love you Mom! I am thankful for the example you are and have been to me on how to be a mom and wife. I'm thankful for the interests and talents you have shared with me. I'm thankful for the love of God that you showed me at a very early age. I am thankful that you have given me wings, let me make my own choices and mistakes and yet support me through it all. I am so thankful for you Mom! I love you!
I am thankful to be a Mom as well! I can't imagine anything that has taught me more than being a mom. When I was growing up I never imagined that I would have a large family. (I still don't really feel like six is all that large - though it certainly seems to be to most people.) Once I had a child though, I knew that this was a blessing I would be thrilled to have more of! I love having children. I love being a Mom! Children are a gift from God, they are His reward.
For my dear friends that are hurting, I'm praying for you. I am thankful for the ones of you that are also praying for me. I'm praying today for any that read this, that you would find peace and love in the arms of the One who loves you! Crawl up into your Daddy God's lap and let Him love on you, give you peace and just delight in you.
God is good.
With love,
Leslie
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