Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Time ... why is there never enough

There are moments when time seems to drag ... but more often than not, once you have reached adulthood, time seems to fly.  This is especially true at some moments more than others.  This is Catherine's last week here - and I just want time to stop.

I haven't been able to type much as my days are just too full.  (I've certainly remedied that this morning as I ramble on here.)  We are trying to squeeze out every last moment of this last week.  Back and forth to each other's house often - and late into the night too.  We've been talking, working on making our planners (we've always loved to collaborate on things), sharing meals and more. 

I find myself reflecting on so many things.  It seems that every place holds a memory - from our homes to roads we've travelled, times we've shared and places we've been.  Memories keep flooding my mind - many of them from long, long ago.  We've watched our children grow up - and  had planned on doing it until we were old.  *sigh*  We've done a lot of growing up ourselves.  I really don't understand God's plans.  That is true for much of what has happened over the last 8 months though.  Don't get me wrong - I can see good that God has wrought through this.  I am thankful for the ways that He has blessed me in the midst of this time.  I just wish that it hadn't all been like this. 

I remember hearing a speaker (Sally Clarkson) talk about her daughter going through a trial and hearing God ask her if she would rather her daughter be deep and godly or shallow and happy.  Yes, we all want deep and godly.  Yet most of us don't want to walk the path to get there.  Who would?  While I think we do look back and are thankful for the path and it's results, but it is still hard to walk it.  I also remember my not so godly response as I turned to Catherine after hearing that question and said that I was voting for some time of shallow and happy.  This was in March - I had been through a very difficult last three months and heart surgery was still looming in front of us.  I didn't want to be shallow.  It just seemed that happy came with no worries or cares.  I wanted happy - but is that really what I wanted? 

Or am I looking for joy?  Something much deeper and richer than just being happy.  Something that isn't a result of the circumstances of my life, but rather is a result of God in my life.  Yes, I think that's it.  I want joy.  My sweet Eliana Joy is a good reminder to me of that.  I'm guessing that she will continue to remind me of so many things.  That she will continue to teach me many things including what really is important.  Lessons I thought I had learned, but clearly not to the depth that I needed.   

I know that through all of this, that God desires good for us.  I only wish that it were not so very different from the good that we desire for ourselves sometimes.  Doesn't that sound awful?!  Like a small child demanding my own way.  I know that God can use this for good in us - but why does that so often involve pain?

I remember many years ago when Catherine and I were doing a Bible study together.  I think at the time we had only 2-3 young children between us (We have 10 now.) and we weren't yet neighbors.  We were talking about people that had a deep faith and how so often it seemed that this came through trial.  We both observed that we really hadn't had much happen in our lives in the way of trial.  We both desired a deeper faith - but honestly didn't want to go through fire to have to get it.  We wondered if this was wrong - to want the benefits without the work.  I don't think it was wrong to want it that way - it's just a natural response.  We all long for a deeper walk with God.  I wish that it could come without having to be broken.  Pain leaves such deep marks - holes even.  Maybe though we can't have joy without having the holes that pain causes.  Maybe joy can only flood into our spirits when there is room.  Room that can't be made on our own.  Perhaps the happiness that comes with being shallow is because there is no depth for the joy to pour into.  I'm not sure.  I pray that I would leave myself open to God - to flood my heart with His joy, peace and love. 

I wanted to give an update from Eliana's appointment with cardiology on Monday. 

It was a day of testing - EKG and echo, but thankfully no bloodwork!  All looks great.  Her heart is doing well.  We won't have to go back again for another 6 months!  What a change after almost weekly visits for awhile.  We thought 2 months seemed like a long wait until this appointment.  We have been blessed with a fabulous cardiologist.  I'm thankful for him.

We also got the results of her bloodwork - NORMAL.  No thyroid problems or leukemia at this time.  Thank you God!  I know that everyone wants to hear the word "normal" on test results, but honestly it has taken on new meaning after having some not normal results on things.  

Feeding is still going well.  We are about the same with her taking at least one and often 2 ounces at a feed.  I'm hoping that will increase over time.

G-tube button is still popping open, though not as much if I keep a onesie on her.  We are tentatively scheduled to get a different button in Sept, though honestly I'm not sure if I want to do that.  I don't know that I want to trade the problems I know for a new set.  Does this make any sense?  I wonder if we can just keep this one and hope that it won't be needed for long!  A girl can hope, right?

I'll try to post pictures later in the week when my dh returns home.  (I don't know how to upload them.)  Please continue to pray - pretty much the same as the last entry.

I am abundantly blessed and yet my heart just aches.  I have joy and hope in the One that loves me.  I know that trusting Him does not mean a life without pain - even Jesus had much pain in His earthly life.   I know that loving and serving Him does not mean a life without heartache and sadness.  Jesus experienced this too.  I am thankful for a Father that loves me so very much.  I can't imagine walking this road without Him!

With love,