Struggling ... still. I keep wondering when people are just going to be tired of me crying ... and struggling. I keep wondering when I'm going to be able to "deal" with all of this. I'm not there - though I do have moments. Today has not been filled with them though.
I'm still struggling with pumping. I'm doing EVERYTHING that I can. I just don't know what else to do. Could ya'll pray that my milk supply would miraculously increase? That seems a silly thing to ask, but it would mean so much to me. My supply today has been horrible! Sometimes pumping a double session - to still end up with very little milk. I really want to be able to do this - but honestly feel that it is out of my hands at this point. What else can I do??? Why can't I be like those gals that have plenty for their own baby and then some? I pumped for over 7 hours today and have had one of my worst days yet.
One the positive side, Eliana did nurse a couple of times yesterday. Very brief, but still. I really think she is capable. I think if I had more milk it would help a lot. Her heart is also making it tough and I'm not sure I can hang on until her surgery.
I was reading a devotional story today about a woman in the same experience feeling like a pruned and dead-looking bush that she saw. As she looked at that plant, she thought it looked like her - no life, no beauty, just an unsightly mess. I just teared up knowing that I felt the same way - that's me!
She goes on to tell a story about her Daddy and draws the lesson that what Her Father has in mind for her family's future and what she had in mind were world's apart. He has wonderful surprises ahead ... if I will only trust Him. I know that I'm being pruned - and hopefully that will mean beautiful roses in time.
I'm still struggling with so many emotions - depression, postpartum hormones, worry about Eliana's heart and my inability to meet the needs of my family as I have in the past. Please pray that God will turn my mourning into joy. I know that this can be done. I know that He loves me. I know that He loves my family. But there is still so much that I don't understand - and there are so many fears for now and the future. I know that God is good ... all the time.
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy. Psalm 30:11
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