This day 17 years ago was one of the sweetest in my life. How do you describe the day that you became a mother? Something I had longed for and yet had no idea how my life was to radically altered by the presence of a tiny little person who depended on me for his day to day care. I had no idea how my heart would grow and thus my world, with his birth.
Christopher, I loved spending time with you. From the moment you were born, I was completely captivated. I knew that I wanted to leave my job and just spend my days with you once I held you in my arms. I was fortunate to be able to do that. For more than 2.5 years, it was just you and I spending our days together - learning, reading, laughing and exploring. You were a relatively easy child and I cherished being your mom. You have been a blessing to me in many ways. As our family grew, I watched you grow too - in your role as a big brother and leader. So many lessons to be learned in ways that I never could have imagined. I pray for you, as I do for your siblings, that God would use being in this family to help prepare and equip you for His calling. .
Yesterday as I was talking with Christopiher ... again ... and trying to pin down plans for his birthday, I had a thought that he might not have many more birthdays at home. He is growing up and while I treasure the days, they also go too fast. I'm not ready for this next step and am very thankful that it isn't here yet. The reality though is that this is probably one of just a couple (????) where he is still at home.
This morning I woke up sick. Stomach virus. And so I've spent the day in my room (and the bathroom). It really wasn't how I wanted to spend the day. I'm thankful I had a little bit of time last night after midnight with the birthday boy (we are both night owls). I love celebrating birthdays and they are typically a big deal around here. I have no idea what has been going on today though. I can hear a litlte bit from the confines of my room. I even saw Christopher briefly when he brought me the laptap (fully covered so as to be not exposed to any germs I might be sharing). LOL
I know that this is just a day and we can celebrate more later, but as I sit here feeling really crummy, I'm just sad to be missing this too. So many things that are out of my control. Thankful that through all of this, God is catching my tears. He is here with me. He loves me.
A friend shared this blog post and it spoke to me. I thought some of you might want to read it too.
Every Good Story Must Endure Conflict
The difficult times. I often feel that I've had my share. I'm ready for things to just be calm and uneventful for awhile. I'm not sure though that this is my fate in life. I'm not sure it is supposed to be either. I think that for many years, I envisioned being a Christian and thought I'd be blessed for following God and seeking to do His will. For many years, that was the way things were for me. For the last 3-4 years though, things have been different. Often hard. Sometimes very hard. My views on many things have changed. I've changed too.
My heart has been broken and I think it makes it more usable to God. It certainly gives me greater empathy for those who are struggling. I've been broken - my dreams and hopes and even my health. God has used that to show me that the things we value here on earth are not always what He values. I've come to believe that living a Christian life is not about having "the good life". I think it means that I have to be willing to give up things, struggle and do without - so that He can work in me and hopefully also through me. I don't think He has called us to a comfortable, easy life. He calls us to be His hands and feet. I'm continually trying to figure out what that means in my life while trying to buffet the challenges that are around us. Some days I feel like I'm failing. Some days I feel encouraged. Is that wrong? I don't really think so. I need to know that I can't do it all. I'm not supermom. I'm not able to handle "all that is on my plate". Truly, only He can handle it and knowing that sends me to my knees (sometimes not as quickly as I need to fall).
I'm in the midst of a study of Esther and learning about fear. Learning that Satan will take and use our greatest fears to render us helpless and hopeless. Taking our eyes off of God and putting them on our circumstances. If we dwell on our fears, it gives Satan much to work with as he is great at deception. I'm trying to get the right perspective and realize that God has called me not to fear. (Did you know this is the most often command from God in the Bible? He realizes what power fear has over us.)
When I am filled with fear it is a good time to praise. Thank you God for loving me. For adopting me as your child. For loving me with total abandon. Thank you for walking with me, carrying me and holding me. Thank you that even though I may not "feel it", you never abandon me. Thank you for the encouragement of your Word and your Spirit. Thank you for blessing me with much - a beautiful family, a wonderful home, good health most of the time, friends, food and so much more.
This birthday post has not ended up being much about Christopher. Thank you God for blessing our family with Christopher. Thank you for the interests that he has had and pursued which have not only taught us but have opened our world. I've learned a lot from him and know that I have much more to learn. Thank you God for my precious son. I pray that you would teach him, mold him and make him more like you. I pray that you would use the circumstances in his life - large and small - to show him more about you. I pray that he would walk in the path You have for him. I pray that He would always know that He belongs to you and that you love him completely. I pray that you would always keep your eyes on Him.
Christopher, I love you and am proud of you. I'm thankful for the man you are becoming and look forward to seeing what God has in store for you now and in the future. I'm so thankful to be your Mom! Being your mom is one of the greatest gifts I've ever received.
Wow, this feels like a ramble and I hope and pray that in the midst of me pouring out my heart that there is some blessing or encouragement in it for someone else. God is so good to do that for us! I would love for you to pray for health for our family? I really don't want anyone else to get this. Eliana spent much of the night snuggling with me and I so want to spare her from this! Daniel has a follow-up appointment next week with the neuro opthalmologist and I would love for him to be spared from any sickness leading up to that. (Would love prayers for that time too that any problems would be discovered and a clear course of action determined. Would love for there to be nothing wrong too!!!)
My day is drawing to a close. Not spent in the way I had imagined and just wondering if God needed me alone to teach me more lessons today. I'm not sure, but I'm trying to listen.
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