Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Another good-bye ... to nursing my baby

**I've added pictures to the entry just prior to this one.  Please be sure to scroll down to see them.

- this entry has to do with breastfeeding so skip it if you don't want to read on this topic.  Not sure if there are many men reading, but just wanted you to be forewarned.  ;-)

Well, I guess it's time to face the inevitable.  I'm probably pumping for the last time.  It's been 3 1/2 months and the reality is my supply is just not going to make it.  I've tried - maybe not doing everything as I should, but I've really tried.  In some ways it is amazing that I've held out this long - probably just shows how stubborn I can be.  I wanted this to work and was willing to do whatever I could.  Ultimately though it just isn't in my control and I need to surrender.

I wanted so much for this to work.  I've experienced the joy of nursing this little one and for that I am thankful.  I wish that it could have been for longer.  Perhaps if her heart had been stronger it might have worked.  Who knows?  I know that for some it may be hard to understand all of the emotions that are tied into this for me.  For others, you will understand.  I have loved nursing my children.  I loved that this was something that only I could do for them.  I loved the ease, convenience and the knowledge that I was doing something special, important and healthy for my baby.  I loved everything about it.  It never seemed a burden or an inconvenience to me as I truly loved this part of the relationship. 

I weaned Daniel sooner than I wanted to and it was shortly after finding out I was pregnant  with Eliana.  I still remember the day - April 27.  (It's also my Mom's birthday.)  I knew that my pregnancy would be rough and I consoled myself with knowing that I had another little one to nurse. 

So much of the last couple of months has been learning to do things differently.  I had expected that adding a 6th child to our family would be easy.   I foresaw no problems with folding a little one into our lives and continuing on with the things that had always worked so well with my other children.  Perhaps this was prideful.  I don't know.  I do know that nothing has prepared me for this experience.

So many of the ways that I love to parent my children - ways that are easy and comfortable to me - have been stripped away from me this time.  I often feel like a novice though I know that my years of parenting experience have to be of benefit to me somehow. 

I find myself yet again late at night typing, pumping and crying.  So sad to be letting go.  Please pray for this sad mommy's heart.  I really need to go to sleep now.  My sweet baby girl is asleep and our next feeding isn't until 6am. 

It's heartbreaking sometimes to let go of your dreams.  I know that in the midst of the tears and sleepless nights that a new dream will come. 

Two cute photos ... more to come