Saturday, February 10, 2007

I just want normal!

Warning before you read this ... I'm in a tough place right now and this will probably not be pretty at all. 

I just want my life to be normal again.  I don't really want a new normal.  I just want my baby girl to be alright!  And yes, I want her to be hormal.      It's so hard to lay down the dreams that I had for her ... for our family ... and for what our life would look like with 6 children.  I've always admired others who went through such struggles and had amazing faith and testimony as a result of it.  I never wanted to be one of those with a story to tell though.  Sounds shallow I know - but it is the truth. 

Now that I'm in the midst of the biggest struggle I've faced yet, I just hope that God can do something with me.  Redeem me in some way.  I know He can do it - it is just wondering if I'm able to let Him do the work in me that He wants to do. 

I long for the days when a tough day was dealing with bickering, messes and things not going according to my plans.  I don't want to have medical equipment in my bedroom.  I don't want to know my way around a children's hospital.  I don't want to be counting ounces and measuring time by feedings and pumpings.  I don't want to have to wake a baby to feed her because she doesn't wake to ask for food herself.  I don't want to be sequestered in my home because the idea of my baby getting anything could be so damaging to her.  I don't want to be waiting and waiting for the day when my baby is in such heart failture that she will require open heart surgery.  I don't want to have to deal with special needs.

There ... all the things that I don't want to have to deal with.  Does it sound so selfish?  Like a lot of self-pity?  I'm not really sure, but it is where I am right now.

I'm so very thankful for the encouragment of others and know that I'd be in a much worse place without that.  It's hard to even let people know how to help - I really dont' know.  I just know that this is a hard place.  One I never wanted to visit.  One that I hope I emerge from better than I am now.

Help me Father.  This load is so heavy.