Friday, May 4, 2007

Looking Back

My mind is full of so many things tonight.  I have been looking back - and it hurts to see some of the places I've been.  I was reading some old threads on the FIAR board (the homeschool community I'm a part of) and seeing my hurting and broken heart.  I was reading one from mid-March and the despair was just overwhelming.  I tear up to think about it now.  I was struggling then with feeding, breastfeeding/pumping, little to no sleep each night, my sweet girl in heart failure, the unknown of surgery and trying to cope with the knowledge that my best friend of 17 years was moving.  It was just too much!

I know that often people say that God won't give you more than you can handle, but I don't think that's accurate.  I know that this has been more than I can handle.  It hasn't been more than God could handle, but it was too much for me.  I've wanted to be honest with all that I'm facing.  Yet I also want to give hope.  My hope lies in a God that is good, loving and faithful.  It's one thing to think or believe that when things are going well - life is good, prayers are answered and you are happy for the most part.  It's quite another to believe it when you are in the midst of trials.  When the trials keep coming and coming and you feel that you just can't handle one more thing.  Then what do you know and believe about God?  Does His character change based on my circumstances?  Thankfully, no.  What does change is my perspective - or at least it is what needs to change.

Before Eliana was born, I was studying the book of James.  The first chapter talks about trials and how we are to consider them joy.  That's a tough one.  I had a hard time wrapping my mind around how that was to happen.  How are we supposed to do that?  I know one wise friend told me during the midst of a really low time when I just "wanted to be happy again" that life wasn't about me being happy and that God hadn't promised us a "happy life".   

Another dear friend commented recently that "Life is hard.  God is good."  So true!  I know that in the midst of the pain here, it gives me a better perspective on a life eternal where there is no pain - no sadness - no hurt of any kind.  How thankful I am to know a loving God that has prepared a place for me in heaven.  How I want others to know God - to know He is good - to know that He is love!  He loves us so very, very much. 

With love,