Monday, July 9, 2007

My heart is just aching

I should have posted earlier today when all was good.  I'll share the news from the tests and blessings first for those that want an update on Eliana.  The ache has nothing to do with our sweet girl as she is doing great!  The hurt is just my own  pain.  If you want only the happy part then stop after the update on Eliana.

Eliana's appointments today went very well!!!  When we arrived we were greeted by a very nice speech therapist.  We then met two more very nice gals that were helping - a nurse and another speech therapist.  First thing we did was to change Eliana into a little purple hospital gown.  It reminded me of when she had surgery - though the gown fit her better this time as she is 5 pounds heavier.  They asked some questions and got Eliana ready for the swallow study first. 

Eliana was wrapped and then placed sitting upright in a type of chair for the x-rays.  Barium was added to her food.  She had several different things to test the thickness and her swallow.  I watched the x-ray as they did this and talked some with the fellow.  All looked great!  She is swallowing as she should.  :-)

Next was the upper GI test.  For this she was placed laying down on what looked similar to a  plank with several folded up blankets lying across it.  The first blanket was wrapped around her tummy and then taped.  The nurse then rolled the tape around and around Eliana securing her to the board.  Next came her legs with the same process.  I then looked at the last blanket near her head and asked if her head was going to be wrapped.  The nurse said yes and that she probably wouldn't like it.

The nurse looked at Eliana's tubing and decided that the tape needed to be removed from her forehead.  Ouch!  I told her that Eliana's skin is very sensitive and sure enough it turned red shortly thereafter.  It seems to be doing fine tonight though.  Anyway, she then wrapped the blanket around Eliana's arm while it was stretched up beside her head.  She did this with both arms and then taped them to her head and around the plank.  This plank is able to be moved so that they can get a good look from various angles. 

Two doctors and a fellow were there to to watch the testing.  They were looking for a malrotation (a twist) in her intestine.  Thankfully, there is none!  All looked great!

We were finished with everything in less than 45 minutes from check in to walking out!   Probably our quickest trip ever.  I guess we could have done more in one day.  Oh well.  I am very grateful for the many kind, positive and informative people that God placed in our path today.  They treated us so well and the experience was a very positive one.  (It helped that we got good news too!)

Tonight I've been working on cleaning out my scrapbook room.  I decided to do some organizing in there while I was talking with Catherine on the phone.  She and her family are checking out their new home.  We talked about some of the firsts and lasts that are hard.  Last time doing something together and first time not doing something together like planning field trips for our homeschool group.  We've been working together on this for years and it was hard for her not to be here and a part of what was going on.  We also talked about our children and how our hearts ache that our youngest children - Eliana and Caleb - won't know each of us like the other children have.  That just makes me so sad.

After we talked I started going through old photographs - ones that seemed to be doubles but I wanted to check to make sure that they were already in scrapbooks. I've been trying to clean up my work area a little bit and this just needed to be done.   I got out all of my albums.  Lots of them, as this is my favorite hobby.    As I looked back over the last decade and more I watched our children grow up before my eyes.  From special events to the mundane every day things that they have shared together.  I saw photographs of our houses as they were being built and read the description of how happy we were to be finally living beside each other.

I just didn't expect this as I was "organizing".  I should have thought through it a little more.  It's just going to be hard.  It isn't something that either of us wants - and yet, it is what is going to be.  We both know that God can and will work through this.  He has already blessed each of us in the midst of this difficulty.  I have to admit that to me the timing of all of it has just been so very hard.  It has hurt deeply that on top of all of the struggles with Eliana that this was a burden to bear as well.  I'm sure that there would not have been a good time, but it just doesn't make any sense to me that now is it.

Thank you for your prayers for our families.  It's is hard on all of us - the children included.  Just last night Rebecca was sobbing about this.  Sometimes I just don't want to think about it and I just push it out of my mind.  At times this even works.  As the time for their move draws closer, there is less time to deny what the future holds.  Tears stream down my face as I share my pain.  This is one of those times when I know I just need to go cry out to God.  I know He is holding me.  I know that He loves me.  I can even imagine Him crying with me as He too knows and understands pain. 

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Love to all,