Saturday, January 27, 2007

Ups and Downs

I am learning to look at the small things in life and be thankful!  It's so easy to take good health for granted and yet when you don't have it - it can be so consuming.  I have learned this lesson repeatedly through my pregnancies.  I have Hyperemesis Gravidarum (incredibly severe vomitting requiring much medical intervention) which makes being pregnant hard.  Though as I said to my daughter once - and she reminded me repeatedly - "It is worth it!". 

Feeding is tough at times!  I've felt some guilt over the last couple of days wondering if I had been "trying" hard enough to get food into Eliana.  Had my goals and efforts been lax?  If I'd tried a little harder, would she have taken more food?  Why do we Moms beat ourselves up sometimes?  It's hard to get a good perspective on things at time when we are in the thick of the struggle.

Yesterday we got in just over 20 ounces!!!  This is the most ever!  It helped that she had the first feeding of the day at 12:15am and the last at 11:15pm.  Times like this and I think - great, we can do this!  Today has been much harder.  We've struggled to get just 2 ounces in at a feeding and this sometimes taking up to 90 minutes due to her falling asleep.  During the last feeding she was even awake - and just wouldn't eat any more.  I just stopped then and acknowledged what God already knows - I am not in control!  I need to learn to just let  Him be in control and rest comfortably in His arms.  Trying to find a balance between doing what I need to do and resting in Him is a challenge - and one that I need to learn.  I'm sure I'm going to have lots of opportunities to learn this.

I was reminded this week of verses that I love and which are a good thing for me to focus on now.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things [are] honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things [are] pure, whatsoever things [are] lovely, whatsoever things [are] of good report; if [there be] any virtue, and if [there be] any praise, think on these things.  Phillipians 4:8
So many things to learn - for Eliana and also for the rest of our family.  These aren't lessons that I wanted to learn.  I just wanted to be home with my healthy baby adjusting to the routine of having a newborn in our family.  God obviously had other plans - plans that have been so very different from my dreams.  It's been hard to rest in the knowledge that He has plans to prosper us when it seems like my world is crashing down at times.  It's then that I need to turn my thoughts to Him - and to things that are pure, honest and lovely.  Lord, I want to keep my focus on you!

Thank you dear friends for your continued prayers and encouragment!

With love,