Thursday, March 6, 2008

Our sweet precious baby

Our sweet baby ... is being held by Jesus. Oh, how it hurts to write that. Oh, how my heart aches. This just isn’t the way that I wanted the story to go. I so wanted to carry, hold and raise this little one.

Our little one’s body is still with me, but his/her spirit has gone to heaven. We may be facing difficult decisions on how to handle this.

Please pray for us. We are devastated. Two of my children are taking it very hard.

In the midst of this pain, I know that God is with us. I know that He is good. I know that He loves me. I know that He will hold me as long as I need.  I know too that my heart is broken.  I feel crushed and so very sad.

Thank you for praying with us.

This wasn't how I had planned it ...

I had hoped for a cute post and fun announcement and even had thought of neat ways to share our news.  I have a ticker saved where you can see the baby's development.  Instead, we are faced with the possibility of something different.

We are expecting our 7th blessing - and thrilled about the addition to our family!  I had hoped that we might be blessed again and am delighted with this sweet gift.

We have kept our news close however as I knew that it would be hard for others to hear.  I know all of the reasons why we shouldn't be having a baby ... I get too sick (HG in pregnancy is awful!), we have too many children (we obviously don't think so), Eliana is more than a handful (and an abundance of joy), I'm too old, etc...  I don't want to keep listing them, but I've heard it all and honestly just didn't want to hear it.  I wanted to just enjoy our news and delight in it.  I also reminded myself that God gave us this gift!  God only gives good gifts.

I was looking forward to sharing though and this is the longest we have kept our secret.  Usually the announcement is forced out with my sickness by week 6, but this time meds have kept my sickness under control.  That has been a blessing, but it also caused me much fear.  Our children know and have kept the news - and also prayed daily for this baby.

I've worried from the start about this little one.  It has been an exercise daily to hand my fears over to God and some days I do better than others.  The last 2 days have been more than a challenge.  I started spotting yesterday.  I have never done this in any of my full-term pregnancies.  Only with the little one we lost.

We have seen the baby's heartbeat - good and strong just a week ago.  I am currently between 9 and 10 weeks.

I've been praying and seeking answers.  Right now I'm hearing two things from God

1.  I'm here.

2.  Rest in me.

Oh, I want to hear more.  I want to hear that our baby is fine.  I want to hear that I'll this sweet little one this side of heaven.  I want everything to be alright.  I know that no matter what happens, that God is good.  I know that this little one is His.  I know all that and yet I long to carry this baby to term and welcome him/her into our family. 

I'm going in to see my midwife this afternoon.

Please pray for our family.  This is a struggle for me - and for them too.  I will share later the beautiful letter my daughter wrote to me last night.  Encouraging me from God's word.  I'm so very blessed in so many ways.

I have much to be thankful for.

With tears,