Do you ever just feel so inadequate for the job you are called to do? I've heard people say that God equips you for all that he has called you to do - and I do believe that. Is handling difficulty a calling though? I don't think so. I do know that God is there and will carry you through a difficulty, but that doesn't mean that it isn't without pain, suffering and anguish.
When Joshua wanted me to come up with him to sleep, I could tell something was on his mind. He told me his head hurt. Then he just started to cry.
"I don't want to have diabetes."
"I want to go back to the way it was before."
"I don't want to have so many shots every day."
"I want to be able to eat whatI want and when I am hungry and not on a schedule."
Does imagining hearing a little 9yo boy say all of this tug at your heart? It's a lot for a little boy to handle. To add to all of this that he has been sick for 11 days, well, it's no wonder his heart was heavy. I know it could be worse. It still doesn't make this easy though.
I just held him and cried with him. I don't want him to have diabetes either. If I could take it instead of him, I would in a heartbeat. I know it's hard. It's alright to cry. I told him all of that and then just prayed. I asked God to heal his body. I asked him to pour His peace on Joshua. I asked Him to carry my sweet boy.
Yet, as I did all of this and was praying myself for words to comfort, words to help. I felt so inadequate. I remember so well feeling all of these same emotions after Eliana was born. I remember people telling me that I would find a new normal and that things would get better. Even though true, it didn't always make me feel better then.
I had to find the truth for myself. I had to learn that God is good and faithful even when times are hard. I had to learn that I needed God so very much just to have the strength to make it through the day. I had to learn how weak that I was so that God's strength would show. I had so much to learn and God was so faithful to teach me. So many of those things people told me ended up being true, but I had to learn it for myself. I learned about priorities and what was really important. I learned about suffering and lots of medical stuff that I never wanted to know. I learned about God's faithfulness and love. I had to live it to learn it though.
I so wish that Joshua didn't have to go through all of this. Nobody wants their child to suffer, to have to deal with a medical issue that will always follow them. He can't forget about it for even a day - or even a couple of hours. There is always that next poke and shot waiting.
I do know that God is faithful and will be there for Joshua. I know that God will hold him and teach him and that He loves him so very much. I know that Joshua will become a stronger young man for having to deal with this. I still wish he didn't have to do it. I wish he could have had more of his childhood to just be a child - carefree and without the burden of diabetes. Again, I know it could be worse, but this is still a lot to handle.
I tried to share a little of this and told him that I wasn't sure if would help at all. Parenting can be so hard sometimes (though I wouldn't trade it for any other job in the world!). I just wanted to be able to kiss him and make things better, but this is too big for that. It's going to take time ... and trusting ... and learning.
Thank you God for always being there for us. Thank you that you are faithful, true and loving. Please guide us as we learn to walk this path. Please strengthen us to the task that is before us. Please shape us to look more like you.
It is why I never want to go inside
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