Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Inadequate

Do you ever just feel so inadequate for the job you are called to do?  I've heard people say that God equips you for all that he has called you to do - and I do believe that.  Is handling difficulty a calling though?  I don't think so.  I do know that God is there and will carry you through a difficulty, but that doesn't mean that it isn't without pain, suffering and anguish.

When Joshua wanted me to come up with him to sleep, I could tell something was on his mind.  He told me his head hurt.  Then he just started to cry. 

"I don't want to have diabetes." 

"I want to go back to the way it was before."

"I don't want to have so many shots every day."

"I want to be able to eat whatI want and when I am hungry and not on a schedule."

Does imagining hearing a little 9yo boy say all of this tug at your heart?  It's a lot for a little boy to handle.  To add to all of this that he has been sick for 11 days, well, it's no wonder his heart was heavy.  I know it could be worse.  It still doesn't make this easy though.

I just held him and cried with him.  I don't want him to have diabetes either.  If I could take it instead of him, I would in a heartbeat.  I know it's hard.  It's alright to cry.  I told him all of that and then just prayed.  I asked God to heal his body.  I asked him to pour His peace on Joshua.  I asked Him to carry my sweet boy. 

Yet, as I did all of this and was praying myself for words to comfort, words to help.  I felt so inadequate.  I remember so well feeling all of these same emotions after Eliana was born.  I remember people telling me that I would find a new normal and that things would get better.  Even though true, it didn't always make me feel better then.

I had to find the truth for myself.  I had to learn that God is good and faithful even when times are hard.  I had to learn that I needed God so very much just to have the strength to make it through the day.  I had to learn how weak that I was so that God's strength would show.  I had so much to learn and God was so faithful to teach me.  So many of those things people told me ended up being true, but I had to learn it for myself.  I learned about priorities and what was really important.  I learned about suffering and lots of medical stuff that I never wanted to know.  I learned about God's faithfulness and love.  I had to live it to learn it though.

I so wish that Joshua didn't have to go through all of this.  Nobody wants their child to suffer, to have to deal with a medical issue that will always follow them.  He can't forget about it for even a day - or even a couple of hours.  There is always that next poke and shot waiting. 

I do know that God is faithful and will be there for Joshua.  I know that God will hold him and teach him and that He loves him so very much.  I know that Joshua will become a stronger young man for having to deal with this.  I still wish he didn't have to do it.  I wish he could have had more of his childhood to just be a child - carefree and without the burden of diabetes.  Again, I know it could be worse, but this is still a lot to handle.

I tried to share a little of this and told him that I wasn't sure if would help at all.  Parenting can be so hard sometimes (though I wouldn't trade it for any other job in the world!).  I just wanted to be able to kiss him and make things better, but this is too big for that.  It's going to take time ... and trusting ... and learning.

Thank you God for always being there for us.  Thank you that you are faithful, true and loving.  Please guide us as we learn to walk this path.  Please strengthen us to the task that is before us.  Please shape us to look more like you.

Blessings

Leslie

7 comments:

  1. Dear Friend, I so appreciate your posts and openess in sharing your walk at this time. I cannot imagine how your sweet Joshua can even begin to deal with everything that has happened recently. I do know that God is firmly with you and with Joshua. He is holding you both in His Mighty Hand. And He will be with you through this time of adjustment and learning.


    Being no stranger to tribulations in recent months, I can say that I am having the sweetest time in the Lord right now. When I am weak, He is strong. He has been there. And He has put people in my life who have been there for me.


    Please know that I am praying for you and your family.


    Love, Tami

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  2. Doesn't it make you wonder what incredible thing God has in store for him? He's building him so much, it may not even be in his lifetime or he may never see it but someone, somewhere is going to be stronger because of your little boy.

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  3. "Do you ever just feel so inadequate for the job you are called to do?"


    YES!! As I sit here, tears streaming dear friend, I am nodding in understanding through your whole post. It is SO HARD - but He is SO FAITHFUL.


    Extra prayers for you today. I wish I could be there to give you and Joshua a long hug!


    (Pkg will go out today or tomorrow.)

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  4. Dear Leslie,


    Hi there! I'm friends with Lynn, and just had to let you know that I know EXACTLY what you're going through. My oldest girl was diagnosed with diabetes four years ago this September. I've always had the feeling that she would be healed, but being patient and waiting on the Lord has been the hardest thing.


    No one who hasn't experienced it could possibly know the burden it is to be the one responsible for providing the right amount of insulin to your child at all times, and all the poking, etc. I have to give the Lord my burden every night before I go to sleep, that He will watch over her and not let her blood sugar go too low at night.


    My daughter has always loved pasta and potatoes, and wouldn't eat many fruits and vegetables. Her diet is SO different now, and I'm so proud of her. We have all (except my husband) changed our diets right along with her, and it has improved everyone else's health, too. I know of two people who were healed of Type I with the raw diet, which is what I'd love to do, if she could handle more things like cucumbers, tomatoes, etc. We're getting there! Let me know if you want any information about herbs, etc., that lower blood sugar. Remember: there are NO incurable diseases, but it does require sacrifice on our part.


    Hugs,


    Marqueta

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  5. healthyhomeschoolJuly 9, 2009 at 6:43 PM

    Dear Leslie.


    I cried as I read your post. I have no words. Just know we are praying.


    Love,

    Lynn

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  6. Leslie,


    This post touched me. Our situations are completely different (our unemployment and the process of possibly/probably losing our house are temporary), but the emotion of feeling inadequate to the task/challenge/burden God has given is very similar. And what mother's heart would not break at reading Joshua's words?? Of course he wants to go back to "normal" ~ the new normal is hard and tiring and difficult and unfamiliar. I only know you from your blog, but from your words written here and what I can read between the lines, it truly seems to me as if you are all making an amazing transition to this new road God has marked for you. It may not seem like it at times, but I know He has prepared you for it, and it for you. Your testimony, both the God parts and the human parts, is very encouraging. Your tender and honest mothering of Joshua as he adjusts to living with diabetes is a blessing to me as well. Keep your eyes on Jesus ~ He will not fail you. Praying for HEALTH for all of you.


    Prayers and blessings,

    Pam in SE MI


    p.s. yes, SPD stands for Sensory Processing Disorder :-)

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  7. Leslie I just wanted to ask do you have trouble getting your son to eat in the AM? My 14 y/o skinny boy (5'10" 110lbs) wont eat much because he doesn't want to take a shot. I don't know what to do. I can't force food in him. He tests and usually has between a 75 and 95 bs. I hate how he feels and yet I want him to be strong. I cried reading this as I too have heard my son say "I want it to be like it was". We decided to homeschool in August 09 after waiting a year to be sure (we had issues with his ADHD and the peer influences the kids were getting). I truly believe God is working his plan in our lives but man is it scary sometimes to let go of the wheel! Hugs and prayers to you.

    Amanda in MO

    300sms@gmail.com

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