Friday, March 7, 2008

Difficult days, decisions

Thank you friends for your prayers.  I appreciate them and your sweet notes (here, in email and on the FIAR boards) so very much.  I'm thankful for each of you!

I fluctuate between having moments of being alright - able to laugh (children help with that a LOT) and moments of such sadness.  I just wish this were a bad dream - that I could wake up and have everything be as it were a couple of days ago.  I wanted this little one to hold here.  My arms already ache for this precious baby that I won't know on this side of heaven.

I'd already pulled out my maternity clothes.  I'd started thinking of names.  I was eagerly anticipating a rounded belly and the sweet kicks of a baby inside.  I love being pregnant - in spite of the difficulty I've had with it.  It is an amazing gift.  I wonder if I'll ever experience this again.  I know at some point, I won't.  This will be hard for me.  I love being a mom! 

***Don't read this paragraph if you are squeamish about too much information.  Yesterday, we were presented with several options on how to handle things.  Choices that no woman ever wants to have to face.  I was hoping not to have to have any intervention (I know that is not a choice for everyone!).  Well, that prayer has been answered.  It seems a bittersweet way to have a prayer answered.  Our baby passed last night and hopefully my body will take care of everything on it's own.  So far, physically, it has not been difficult.  Though emotionally it will take much longer.

One of my sons last night asked me why God didn't answer/hear his prayers for our baby.  He has prayed so faithfully for our baby every day.  He was also soooo very excited when he heard our announcement.  It has hit him very hard.  We talked for awhile.  I told him that God did hear and that His answer was just not the one that we wanted.  That is a hard thing to understand - at any age.  This sweet boy of mine has such a tender heart!  He still remembers (and sometimes talks about) the loss of our last baby.  (He was just 3 at the time.)  He has been told by others not to talk about it - it makes people uncomfortable.  I appreciate his heart though.  In fact, I remember him talking to me one day about this baby being in heaven.  It happened to be the day that the baby had been due - and nobody remembered or knew except me.  It was a sweet comfort to me at the time.   

I think one of the hard things about loss and grief is that you can feel so alone in the midst of it.  Even with loving family and friends, it's still pain that you have deal with.  It can seem like the world has moved on without you.  So many things can trigger thoughts, memories and tears.  Loss and grief are not easy topics for people.  Its hard to deal with pain.  I know that the pain I'm feeling is not nearly to the degree that many others have faced.  But it still hurts.

This past year - two - have been hard.  I sometimes wonder what I'm supposed to be learning.  Or if I'm failing to learn something and need repeat lessons on loss.  I'm not sure.  I know with certainty that I am loved.  I know that I need only the approval of One.  I know He is holding me and I may never climb out of His lap.  I know that as I cry, He is with me.  He understands my hurt, my fears and my longings. 

As we were driving home yesterday from the doctors, this song was on the radio. 

Held by Natalie Grant

God has used music often to minister to me over the last year.  I am thankful that He is not bound by any conventional means to touch my heart and show me that He loves me.

He loves me.  He loves you too.  Very deeply - without reserve.  He rejoices over you with singing.  (I love that!!!  Zeph 3:17)  Bask in His love today.  Pray for those who mourn.  Love deeply. 

With love and through many tears,