I started writing this late last night after we had returned home from a wonderful trip to the mountains. I'm not sure why I started pondering and thinking. I thought I'd save the post and add pics to it today I didn't take the pictures and I'm not sure when I'll get to it, so here are my ramblings without photos. I'll add them if I can later.
Those of you that have walked this road, doubtless understand these feelings. It isn't a new path for me. It's a large sisterhood too. I had thought that perhaps having had this experience that somehow it wouldn't be as hard - and yet it is.
It's been 4 months since we lost our little one. Life just moves on - or seems to anyway. Yet, not a day goes by that I don't remember. I think about how big this little one should be, that I should be feeling movements, and that the due date would be drawing closer. It seems too that there are reminders everywhere. Not that I don't expect it, but some days it is just one more thing that hurts.
Tonight as I was rocking Eliana and praying, a few tears slipped down my cheek. I just want our little one here - not in heaven. This little one was wanted so very much.
In some ways that seems really selfish. Heaven is a much better place to be. I've been reading a wonderful book (rereading it really) called Deadline. Part of the storyline occurs in heaven and the descriptions of heaven are so beautiful. Like nothing I've read before. I'm not sure I can even do a description justice so I'm not going to try. (I do highly recommend this book, though it also deals with some very difficult topics!) I wonder too if I'm selfish for wanting another child when I've already been so richly blessed. I do think my heart has more room.
Some days it can seem like this little one is gone and forgotten. I can feel so alone in my grief. Yet, God reminds me otherwise. I know that He knows and loves this little one that He planned before the dawn of time. I know that He loves me more than I can even imagine. I am thankful for the sweet reminders of this.
Last week I received a box in the mail - from a friend I met more than 5 years ago. We've never met in real life. We worked together on a FIAR quilts yahoo group. When I had a miscarriage in 2003, she sent a gift - an ornament. She didn't know that one of our family traditions is an ornament for each of our children. I loved that even though I hadn't planned for it, that this little one has an ornament too - an angel. The box I received this past week contained a gift for our most recent little one born into heaven. It's a willow tree figurine - Angel of the heart. It's a precious reminder of where our littlest one is right now- in heaven and also in my heart.
I have mentioned before that sweet friend sent me a book, Griveing the Child I Never Knew. I have read through some of it, but I'm not one that really likes to process tough emotions. I guess that's probably true for many of us. I wish I could just move on and be done with it, but it's just not that easy.
This same friend - with an incredibly sensitive heart toward grief - recently offered to go through the book with me. Reading and sharing thoughts and processing my grief. What a sweet gift of her time and friendship. I'm starting it again from the beginning tonight. I do want to learn from this and let God have his perfect way with me. I'm afraid of the pain, but know that healing will come if I just fall into God's loving arms.
Shortly after our loss, a group of friends sent a beautiful tree in memory of our little one. These same friends sent roses at the loss of our first baby. We have all of them - roses and tree - planted in front yard. We added another rose this year too. It's a beautiful reminder to me of love, sweetness and friendship whenever I see them - and of life.
I am thankful for friends who know my tender heart - and know when things happen that will hurt it. I had a phone call last week from one sensitive friend and it was a balm just to know that she understood.
I'm not really sure why I'm sharing all of this. I'm not sure if any of it will be of help to anyone reading this. I hope that maybe it will help others to understand that pain of this loss. I would appreciate your prayers as I try to work through this grief. I would also appreciate prayers for my sweet daughter as this continues to be hard for her too. I am so thankful for her tender heart, yet mine aches to see her hurting. I pray that God would help us both to learn, to trust and to follow Him as He walks with us on this path.