I just want my life to be normal again. I don't really want a new normal. I just want my baby girl to be alright! And yes, I want her to be hormal.
It's so hard to lay down the dreams that I had for her ... for our family ... and for what our life would look like with 6 children. I've always admired others who went through such struggles and had amazing faith and testimony as a result of it. I never wanted to be one of those with a story to tell though. Sounds shallow I know - but it is the truth. Now that I'm in the midst of the biggest struggle I've faced yet, I just hope that God can do something with me. Redeem me in some way. I know He can do it - it is just wondering if I'm able to let Him do the work in me that He wants to do.
I long for the days when a tough day was dealing with bickering, messes and things not going according to my plans. I don't want to have medical equipment in my bedroom. I don't want to know my way around a children's hospital. I don't want to be counting ounces and measuring time by feedings and pumpings. I don't want to have to wake a baby to feed her because she doesn't wake to ask for food herself. I don't want to be sequestered in my home because the idea of my baby getting anything could be so damaging to her. I don't want to be waiting and waiting for the day when my baby is in such heart failture that she will require open heart surgery. I don't want to have to deal with special needs.
There ... all the things that I don't want to have to deal with. Does it sound so selfish? Like a lot of self-pity? I'm not really sure, but it is where I am right now.
I'm so very thankful for the encouragment of others and know that I'd be in a much worse place without that. It's hard to even let people know how to help - I really dont' know. I just know that this is a hard place. One I never wanted to visit. One that I hope I emerge from better than I am now.
Help me Father. This load is so heavy.
Posts
It doesn't sound one bit selfish to me. It sounds completely normal. I remember those days of just wanting normal again. It really does come. It is never fun to go through trials..this is a big one. You are doing great and I think it is good for you to write it down and get it all out.
ReplyDeleteMy brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations James 1:2
Love and prayers,
Karen
It's okay to feel how you are feeling...God already knows that anyway! I think it's a place you have to get through to get to "the other side." And from what I hear, you'll go through this place several times. It's very okay.
ReplyDeleteMelissa
Dear Leslie... I'm so sorry. This IS so hard. Thank you for your honesty and for giving us -- who care about you -- a chance to try and share a wee bit of your load. I do believe our Heavenly Father hears your cries and will carry you through this exceedingly difficult time.
ReplyDeleteI hope I can come see you very soon and give you a hug in person. Meanwhile here's a cyber hug
((((( you )))))
XO
Still praying. Don't feel bad for being honest. I think it is the best thing you can do -- since you are being honest with GOD. How is your husband? Your children?
ReplyDeleteSusan
My dearest friend in Christs name...You are not being selfish...I have had a very sick newborn who was born with an Apgar of 1 and I could not have worded what you said any better. You need to let go of all those feelings. You need to share those feelings somehow with someone. All you can do my friend is take life one minute at a time. You need to take care of yourself first so that you will have something to give to others. I will keep you and your little baby and family in my prayers. Peace to your heart...Louise
ReplyDeleteLeslie, we praying! Sleep ~ whenever you can!
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteMy heart just aches for you. You know I've been to this place, twice now. It *does* get easier, but I know that doesn't help right now!
You have to mourn the loss of normal to move on. You *will* move on, and I know that doesn't help right now, either.
Praying for you~
Lisa Schaffer
Hi Leslie,
ReplyDeleteDon't know if you remember me while I lived in Durham for one year. I'm Korean, I had 2 kids at the time - and Cathy Ridpath was babysitting my oldest while I was taking my girl to PT after we found out she had dwarfism. Beth Branch told me of your new baby and the immense trials you are facing. I wish I could just give you a hug - and let you know that you and your family and your little girl are being prayed for. I know that my story pales in comparison but I did go through a similar period - actually while living in nc when I found out why my little girl was not growing. My whole world turned upside down. It didn't help that at the same time my dad underwent radical cancer surgery and the WTCs were bombed. While I can't offer any help or perhaps not even any comfort - I can say without a shadow of a doubt that our Heavenly Father is holding you and your daughter in His strong, capable arms. I grieved the same way you did - realizing that my dreams of the perfect family were shattered and that we would face something very different than I've ever imagined. But in retrospect, those were terrible, trying, heart-wrenching PRECIOUS times. I cried, I grieved, I tried to grasp - and He was always there. Rant and rave all you want sister, and then cling to Him even when you don't have the answers. I imagine myself crying and Him holding me and me beating Him on the chest...
He knows exactly what you are going through and He knows exactly how to enable you to get through this fire. Allow others to minister to you in any way. Beth Branch became one of my most special friends this way. I will ALWAYS look back at my short time in NC as my desert place, my weary, lonely place. A time where I clung to my Lord to get me through. And He truly has. I love Him deeper and I know Him much more intimately than I ever have before. I wouldn't ever ask for that time again, but I wouldn't trade my closeness with the Father at that time either. Now, we are expecting our fourth child and already facing some possible chromosomal problems. But I have peace (for now!) knowing that He will carry me through whatever future He has for me.
Call or email me anytime: julesnpebbles@charter.net
304-757-7540.
The Lord bless you and keep you
Julie
Leslie, thank you for being so transparent. What a road you are traveling... Your love for your family is so evident in your posts. You are an incredible wife and mother to your precious family.
ReplyDeleteDear Leslie,
ReplyDeleteI have to tell you that my heart overflows with joy for you and it breaks for you. You are one of the strongest, truest people I've ever known in my life. The Lord found a perfect mother and an amazing family for your sweet Eliana. He is bringing you through this and with such grace and strength.
Emily has kept me "in the loop" and I was so glad when she sent me the link to your blog. We're praying for you and your family. Wish I was there for you for a walk, some hugs, and loads of tears.
May God's love overflow to you!
Love,
Kathy
Sweet Leslie,
ReplyDeleteI know there is nothing I can say that will take away any of the hurt. But I do know that for me, just hearing "I've been there - and I survived" was encouraging.
So, I've been there. I've said, "I never wanted THIS kind of normal!" During Mark's cancer. After autism diagoses. Sometimes still on difficult days... but the Lord is ever faithful.
I love you, sister, and we are all praying for you.
- Katie(CO)