Unbelief

God help me my unbelief. 

I know that God loves me.  I know that He cares for me deeply.  I am praying that I can really let go and trust Him.   It's not always easy though.  One more opportunity to trust.  Trust the One that loves me completely.  The One who has promised never to leave me or forsake me.  As someone reminded me, He has not promised an easy or even a happy life. 

A precious friend shared these words with me.  They encouraged me greatly and I thought someone else might need to read them as well.

 I was once told to let myself be weak and let Him be strong for me. It is like clinging to a rope and slowly getting weaker and being afraid of what will happen if you fall. As weariness over takes me and my grip slips, I cry out in desparation "Oh, Lord, I can't do this! I can't bear this. I can't hold myself anymore. Please, Father, help me!" Sometimes He puts His arms over mine and helps me hold on, other times He let me falls off that rope, the first feeling is of terror but landing in His loving arms and feeling surrounded by His strength is comforting beyond words. Which ever He chooses to do, dear Leslie, He loves you more than you will ever understand and He is so VERY, VERY near.

I know I must sound like I'm having a pity party over here.  At times I probably am.  I'm trying to trust - and at times not doing a very good job.  I'm trying to listen to God and fall completely into His arms.  I'm praying that God would help me to trust.  I'm also being completely real with my feelings and like I've mentioned before I sometimes wonder if I should be.  I wonder if I should just pour out my heart to God alone.  I wouldn't want to say anything that might hurt someone else.  I wouldn't want to say anything that would damage someone else's faith.  And honestly, I don't want to make myself vulnerable to more hurt.   

For now though, my heart does hurt. 

Eliana's last two feedings have been better!!!  Her feeding therapist thought she was in pain based on her response to touch while we were at her appointment.  Poor sweet baby.  She is also seeming a little constipated which might also affect her eating.  I hope that her lack of  feeding is based on some external factor like these that can be addressed and hopefully fixed!  I have great hopes that one day my little girl will be able to eat completely on her own!  Oh what a happy day that will be! 

I did have a bit of humor in my day - something that you might find funny too.  I'll admit it irritated me when I first saw it - but I also saw the humor in it.  We received a package today from the medical supply company.  I was hopeful when I opened it that finally the extension tube had arrived.  (This is the tube that connects Eliana's button to the feeding pump.)  We've already received 2 wrong shipments waiting for this tube.  Well, we got an extension tube - but not the one that we need.  The one we received is a "Male external catheter tube".  *sigh*  I know that I explained that this was for my infant daughter.  I did call today, but since it was after 5pm I wasn't able to talk with the person I needed to talk with and will need to wait until tomorrow.  This is the 5th wrong shipment we have been sent.  I'm really hoping that they can get it figured out soon!

Thank you to each of you that are praying.  I am grateful.  Thank you too for your words of encouragment and hope.  I appreciate them.  I am thankful to be a part of the body of Christ.  I am thankful for the verses of love and hope that you share with me.

With love,

Leslie