Happy Mother's Day

Yesterday I was struggling with emotions - feeling grief again at our loss, as several around me were celebrating and announcing a new pregnancy.  It's not that I'm not happy for them, just still sad for us.  I would be halfway through the pregnancy by now - feeling better, showing and enjoying little kicks.   I don't always do a good job in "dealing" with my emotions.  I think I'd rather just stuff them away and try to move on - rather than ponder.  (I've never been one to do well in answering those reflective types of questions. either.)  I'm having some help though and for that I'm grateful. 

A dear friend sent a book to help me process my grief.  (Thank you Christine!!!)  It is entitled Grieving the Child I Never Knew.  It does help me to spend time thinking through and making sure I am dealing with things and don't become a walking emotional time bomb.  (Can anyone relate to that?)  Even so, at times I want to skim and not dig in.  I'm not sure why I do this - protection? denial?  fear?  I know I like to put off thinking about things. 

I received another blessing a few weeks ago, and I'm not sure if I shared about it.  Rebecca  made me a small scrapbook about our "little one".  It is filled with special things and notes in her own sweet handwriting.  It has an ultrasound picture, a poem she wrote for our baby, a picture of the rose bush we planted in memory and more.  It's really a very loving keepsake.  I am again amazed at the heart of this young woman, my daughter.  This was hard for her and yet she is finding a way to deal with her grief and also bless me at the same time.   

As I was thinking yesterday, my 6yo asked me if I knew what was coming in two days.  He also asked me if this was my favorite day.  I had to honestly answer "no" because of all that I see around me in regards to this day.  While it is meant to be a day for celebration, it is also filled with a variety of emotions for so many people. 

• HAPPINESS - for those blessed with family they love - mothers and children


• GRIEF - for those that have lost their mother or a child


• GUILT - for those who have not lived up to the expectations - their own or someone elses


• JOY - for those celebrating a life within


• ANGER - for those who feel pushed into something they don't want; a relationship that drains them or a person that they will never be able to please


• FEAR or PAIN - for those in a difficult place with someone that they love


• PEACE - for those who find contentment right where they are; living just where God has them

Life is hard.  God is good.  I'm thankful that even in the midst of the hard things, that I have something ... someone good to cling to!  I am blessed in so many ways. 

I am blessed to have a wonderful Mom that I wish we could spend the day with too!  I love you Mom!  I am thankful for the example you are and have been to me on how to be a mom and wife.  I'm thankful for the interests and talents you have shared with me.  I'm thankful for the love of God that you showed me at a very early age.  I am thankful that you have given me wings, let me make my own choices and mistakes and yet support me through it all.  I am so thankful for you Mom!  I love you!

I am thankful to be a Mom as well!  I can't imagine anything that has taught me more than being a mom.  When I was growing up I never imagined that I would have a large family.  (I still don't really feel like six is all that large - though it certainly seems to be to most people.)  Once I had a child though, I knew that this was a blessing I would be thrilled to have more of!  I love having children.  I love being a Mom!  Children are a gift from God, they are His reward.

For my dear friends that are hurting, I'm praying for you.  I am thankful for the ones of you that are also praying for me.  I'm praying today for any that read this, that you would find peace and love in the arms of the One who loves you!  Crawl up into your Daddy God's lap and let Him love on you, give you peace and just delight in you.  

God is good.

With love,

Leslie 

Duke Children's Classic - and more Wholehearted Bracelets

I wanted to share something exciting with you.  I should have shared it weeks ago, but like the previous post mentioned - I'm behind.  :-)

I've been invited to speak at a luncheon that is part of the Duke Children's Classic.  Read more about it here.    This is a huge event for the hospital involving a golf tournement.  On Sat, there is a luncheon for the wives and friends of the golfers.  I'm not the keynote, but will be sharing/speaking at the lunch. 

I don't know the details yet, but expect that they will just want to hear "my story".  It can be hard to condense the last year into a story - but it can be done.  It is certainly easier to share at this point than it was a year ago.  We've come a long way.  As hard as those early days were - I'm thankful for them.  I'm thankful for the difficult road as it opened my eyes and my heart to so many things.  Things I might never have seen if it had not been for Eliana.  I remember early on someone telling me that I'd have a "story to tell" and me thinking that I didn't want a story to tell!  (Yes, I was fussing about it.  I just wanted a boring, uneventful life at that point.)  God's way is definitely best. 

My eyes see beauty in a whole new way.  My heart understands pain, suffering, fear and peace in depths I hadn't experienced before.  My mind knows that facts will never be stronger than faith, love and hope.  I know with all of my heart that we have been entrusted with a special gift - a blessing sent to us from God.  ALL children are a gift from God.  A blessing.  An incredible blessing.

Rebecca has also been asked to participate.  They have asked her to make a bracelet for every woman in attendance - 100 to 125 of them!  All of them in pink and/or orange which are their theme colors.  Well, they are pink as we have had a very hard time finding any orange beads.  We are also having trouble finding the metal heart beads - her signature bead.  Our local store no longer carries them.  If you find them, we would love to know where so that we can get more.  ETA:  Just last night we found some at a different craft store and bought all that they had! 

Rebecca has been working so very hard.  She has made over 100 bracelets in the last 4 weeks!  That's a lot of bracelets and many, many hours.  She has found that listening to books on tape is a great way to pass the time.  I have joined her in making them as have some of her friends, which is a fun way to work.  (Her friends bracelets aren't counted in her total above.)  Most of the time though, it's just Rebecca working.  I'm so proud of her effort and diligence!

They will also have "boutiques" with items for the attendees to purchase.  Rebecca will have one of these too.  She is planning on making a variety of things to add to her collection once she meets her goal of the pink bracelets.  This was a big order and I'm proud of her and the hard work she has put into it so far.  Many hours a week my sweet girl has devoted.  She really is amazing, isn't she?  Her goal for the year is to reach $10,000.  Last year, I might have doubted, this year, I know she can do it!

If any of you want more information on Rebecca's bracelet ministry, I've added a few links to my sidebar to explain what she has done.  If you are interested in purchasing bracelets, please email me.

If you feel led to pray, I would love prayers that I would speak words that would encourage, challenge and inspire people.  I want to speak the words that God has for me.  I'm excited about this opportunity and thankful for it as well. 

My girls - pretty special each in their own way.

Love,

Leslie

So behind ... will I ever catch up?

I doubt it.  There are so many things I want to do - and never enough time to do them.  Some things have been waiting for far too long!!!  Like thank you notes.  *blush*  I have typically been so good about doing this, but have certainly dropped the ball over the last year. 

Maybe making a list will help.  Or just serve as a reminder.  Here a list of some things I want or need to do.

*Sort clothes - pull out clothes that are too small (pass down) or stained (toss).  Figure out needs for summer clothing for everyone.  I've started on this, but it is not a small task. 

*Declutter - talking about not a small task.  LOL  The attic and garage and playroom need soooo much work.  I need to just set aside 15 min a day and try to tackle it.  I did some on the garage yesterday - and Roger took a load of things to the dump.  It's a little bit of progress.

*Reading - I have a stack of books I feel like I *need* to read - from homeschooling high school to learning about various motor skills improvements with Down syndrome.

*Scrapbooking - the job that is never caught up!  It is fun though. 

*Making activity boxes for my younger children - I want to do some developmental learning boxes for them.  Things that will be fun and also helpful.  Daniel loves having these to do during our school time.  I think Eliana would benefit from some more directed play as well.

*Researching/praying/planning for the next school year - I need to figure out new curriculum for my oldest two.  Our conference is in a few more weeks and I like to do most of my buying here if possible.  I want to support the vendors that attend and I like being able to look at things there.

*Chores - I've really slacked up a lot on these since ... well, you know.  LOL  I need to work on new charts.  The children are all really helpful - but some more than others and dividing things up would help all of us.  I need to do more training of the younger boys as well. 

If this sounds like fun to anyone - please feel free to come on over as I would love company as I tackle some of these projects.

Our day today was so much fun!  We had a field day with our homeschool group.  I wish I could share pics - but most of mine didn't turn out.  I'll try to post some later if any worked.  I'm not sure what is going on with my camera - it isn't that old.  (4.5 years) 

We split the children by ages and had a variety of games going on.  Some of them included 3-legged race, egg and spoon race, long jump, football throw, backwards race, kickball, sack race and more.  All of my children LOVED this day!  These are things that we don't often do as homeschoolers and it was fun to take time to do this with our friends.  My children are already asking about doing this next year.  I think it will be a fun new tradition for our group. 

This week-end, Roger and Joshua are going on a Civil War trip with a UNC tour group.  This is Joshua's first trip of this type and he is so excited.  Roger is the host and Joshua is looking forward to being his assistant - helping and serving the others on the tour.  He asked if I thought he would do a good job -  I assured him that he would be great in this role!  Christopher has been on several of these trips and it's neat that now Joshua gets a turn. 

When Roger first talked with Joshua, he wasn't sure if the topic would be interesting to him.  Joshua replied, "What kid isn't interested in the Civil War?  I've always wanted to learn more about iron-clads.".  His older brother has been a Civil War buff for a long time, so he has had plenty of exposure.  I think having time with his Dad will be pretty special too. 

The rest of us have a football game this week-end and a picnic.  The picnic is sponsored by our local Down syndrome group.  I think it will be a fun time to meet and connect with some others.  I'm really hoping it doesn't rain so that we can attend. 

I have more things I want to post - esp pictures.  Maybe I should list those too so I can get around to doing it.  ;-) 

Praying that the rest of you week is filled with laughter, love and joy.  Praying that you would know how precious it is to be loved deeply by the One who made you.  Praying that you would know His peace, purpose and passion as you walk through your day.

With love,

Leslie

Potty Training Update

Thank you for your words of advice - and encouragment.  Those early days can seem long - and messy - but thankfully don't appear to be long-lasting!  :-)

Daniel is doing a great job!!!  He is thrilled with his big boy pants - and even likes to show them off.  The first couple of days seemed long -  lots of reminders and some accidents too.  Though by now - he is doing a great job!  He is still needing some reminders, though also goes on his own.  Whew!!!  This will be the 5th one trained - can I say he is trained yet?  Well, we are close. 

Blessings,

Leslie

 

Heart Day

I took a few photos on our "Heart Day" that I wanted to share.  (I like the term Heart Day that my sweet friend Karen shared with me.  She is a mom of a heart baby too and was a great encouragment to me through all of this!!!)

We had a couple of therapies that day.  In the morning we had speech therapy.  Eliana is doing more and more babbling.  She is also trying to repeat things we say to her and it's just so cute!  I love seeing her learn.  In this photo she is pointing (she uses her thumb!) to a pic of an animal.  There was a recording of the sound which she tried to imitate (sheep was the one she could do). 

Eliana also had physical therapy in the afternoon and a meeting with our case manager then too.  She is practicing her walking in this tiny little walker.  She took one step holding on to it.  She is using it to bend/squat which is good.  (She was just falling down with her legs straight.)

At some point during the day, Rebecca decided that our princess needed to wear a crown.  She looked adorable and we are all taken with her.  Her Daddy thinks she is the sweetest!

For dinner I wanted to do something special.  We decided a picnic in the park was a good choice.  Some dear friends met us there and brought a present for Eliana.  Doesn't she look pleased?  It's a snowglobe with a heart in the center and pink glitter around it.  The words on the bottom say ... "Live, love, laugh".  What a sweet and perfect gift!!!  Thank you!

We stayed out late just relaxing, playing and having fun.  It was a sweet day - much different from a year ago.  I hope we can use this day to celebrate, give thanks and praise God for His good work.

Potty Training ...

Words that strike fear - or maybe just dread - into the hearts of many moms!  Or is it just me???  Uggghhh!  Of all the things I've had to teach my children, this is one of them that I dread most.  *sigh*  I've done it four times already, you would think it would be no big deal by this point, huh?

I'm thinking my next two may give me the biggest challenge yet - and I would LOVE to be proved wrong!!!

We are late in training Daniel.  I had planned to train him after "the baby" was born.  Well, our sweet baby, Eliana, came with more to deal with and potty training took a back burner for quite a long time.  It was just too much.  We did try briefly for awhile, but he was not interested so we gave up.  Then, we began dealing with sensory issues with Daniel and his therapist recommended waiting.  We did.  Well, I've waited long enough now - the boy needs to be trained.

We started yesterday and it's going ... OK.  Not great.  He hasn't yet "figured it out".  Ugh.  I really don't like doing this, but it needs to be done. 

Anyone really good at this?  I'd be willing to hire out?!  :-D  Advice?  Prayers?

More later as I've uploaded more pics of things I've been promising to share.

Blessings,
Leslie

One year ago today ... April 16, 2007 ... a date to remember!

***Photos included that may be difficult for children if you have some watching/reading. ***

One year ago, our sweet Eliana's heart was repaired!  We praise God for His faithfulness in walking us through this valley.  We are thankful for our family and the many friends he placed in our lives that helped to ease the pain and difficulty with prayers, words of encouragment and acts of service. 

One year ago, so many people were praying for our little girl.  Some of my friends were fasting while they prayed.  Friends on the FIAR board (my homeschool community) set up an around the clock prayer calendar for Eliana.  I was humbled and blessed immensely that people cared so much for our little girl.

One year ago, we slept through our alarm!  How could that happen on such an important day?  We rushed to get ready and get to the hospital so very early. 

One year ago, we handed our little girl over to two very kind men (the anesthesiologists).  I remember watching one of them cradle her in his arms as he gently carried her down the corridor to the surgical room.  The sun was coming up in the window in front of them and they looked so relaxed and calm.

One year ago, I had to hand over more than my daughter.  I had wrestled with God and felt that I had to come to the point that I was truly willing to hand her over to Him.  The story of Abraham and Isaac become more to me than just a story.  I knew that God had given us a gift - yet she was still His child.  Ours to care for and to love on for an undisclosed amount of time.  "Yes God," I said, "She is yours.  I do so want more time with her."

One year ago, I held onto a little bow waiting for news of her surgery.  I had expected to be broken and devasted, but God met me there and gave me His peace that passes understanding.

One year ago, Roger and I, along with some dear friends sat waiting, praying, talking ... and just waiting.  Anxious to hear news and yet fearful to hear it as well.

One year ago, I so wanted to hold my little girl.  Waiting to hear the news was hard.  What a joy to meet with her surgeon and to hear that all had gone well.  When we were finally allowed to see her - I remember running to her room.  I should have waited, but could think of nothing but seeing our baby. 

One year ago, our baby's heart was made whole.  It was hard to see Eliana with so many tubes and wires.  Hard to find a place to just love on her.

One year ago, I continued to see God answer prayers for Eliana's care.  I watched her heal rapidly and was so very thankful to see her smile again.

One year ago, the end of a very difficult and dark time in our lives was marked by a healed heart.  This didn't mean that things suddenly become easy or without pain or trial.  Not at all.  I know that those who have experienced something similar though will understand these words ... It's so much better on the other side of surgery!

Today as I reflect and remember I am overwhelmed with thankfulness.  I am thankful that Eliana has had no complications from surgery.  I am thankful that she is growing, learning and progressing in so many ways.  I am thankful for a beautiful little girl that has taught me so much about trust, faith, love and acceptance.  I am thankful for a loving God who truly does give good gifts!

With love,

Leslie

PS  I may write more later, but wanted to share something on this special day.

 

One Year Ago ...

We were facing something that was so big. It had been looming over us for months and the day was almost upon us. It was the day prior to Eliana’s open heart surgery.

Has it been a year already? In some ways the time has gone quickly, but in others it seems like so much longer. This has been the hardest time of my life – and yet it has also been filled with some of the sweetest times of my life as well. There were many, many times when I wondered if life would ever be good again as I was so overwhelmed. I wondered if I could ever be thankful for this path. I am grateful to say – YES! I am so thankful to have walked this path with our precious girl. I couldn’t answer any other way because any other path would be one without our beloved Eliana. Her very name is filled with such meaning ...

Eliana Joy – My God has answered with joy

I just read my blog entry from a year ago.  Here's a link if you want to see it.

Blog from April 15 2007

Not surprisingly, it made me start to cry. We’ve come a long way. We saw our ped today – she is such a gem. I reminded her that tomorrow was 1 year. She asked if I were going to look at pictures. I told her yes, I was planning to remind myself of all that I could from that day. I often do this with very significant events (like the birth of a child).  I think that though it will be hard to see the pictures, that it is good to remember. It’s good to give thanks for the many, many blessings.

I will write more tomorrow as I reflect on that day. The day of my daughter’s healed heart.

I’m not sure what we will do as a family, though I’d like to do something special to celebrate this day. I want my children to remember the blessings – not just of this day – but of this time in our lives.

With love,

Leslie

Did you notice the ticker?

The little heart one under Eliana's photo at the top of my blog?  I put that on there last year as we were counting down the days until her heart surgery.  Open heart surgery.  Oh, how those words were hard for a mommy to hear!  It's hard to explain how difficult it was to wait ... and wonder ... and pray. 

I have been blessed abundantly by friends and family that prayed and encouraged me.  Just one year ago today Eliana had her pre-surgery day - tests, questions, forms, and meeting the surgeon.  It was a full day.  I should go back and read my blog entry from that day.  Here is the link if anyone else wants to see it.

The night before pre-op

Pre-op Day

I'm so very thankful to be on this side of surgery.  So very thankful that all went well and that Eliana has recovered beautifully.  I've often said that this is not something that I would have chosen, but I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned and would not want to give that back. 

Thank you God for healing my little girl's heart.

I'll try to post more tomorrow on our week-end.  We had a fabulous trip and experienced a lot of neat things.  Eliana was a super traveller too.

Blessings,

Leslie

Happy Easter ... a little late

I know - it's been almost a month.  I did want to post and share some pics though and better late than never, right?!

We visited our dear friends in Virginia for the week-end.  We have shared many years of Easter activities together (egg hunts, and other fun times).  Since we are no longer able to pop right next door, this was a fun extended time of being together.

We made resurrction rolls.  This is a great way to explain the resurrection to young children and is an activity we've been doing since Christopher was a very young boy.  You take a marshmellow to represent Jesus.  You dip the marshmellow in butter and then cinnamon sugar to represent the oils and spices that were put on the body for burial.  Then you take a crescent roll and wrap it around the marshmellow.  This represents the tomb in which Jesus was buried.  You then bake them.  (Make sure your seals are really good on the crescent rolls or it will leak.)  When you take them out, the "tomb" will be puffy and inside it is empty - obviously representing the empty tomb.  It's a neat visual for young children - and a tasty treat as well.

We also had an egg hunt.  The tall grass made it a fun challenge.  When Daniel had finished finding his eggs, we hid them again as the search is most of the fun.  Well, the eating what's inside them is fun too.

I just liked this photo of Christopher and Eliana.

This is a photo of us all dressed up after church.  It was bright and I know I'm squinting.  It isn't the best photo - but it's the only one we have.

 

I like this photo of the kids better. 

Eliana is wearing a dress that my Mom made - for Rebecca.  I love seeing her wear things that her older sister has also worn.  We've waited a long time for a girl to wear this again.  We have quite a few beautiful dresses made by Nana for Eliana to wear. 

We also made cookies and decorated them.  It is fun watching them display their own ideas and creativity in making designs. 

Daniel

Isaiah

Joshua

Rebecca

We had a wonderful time with our sweet friends.  I'm thankful that they are close enough to visit - though still wish they were right next door. 

Tomorrow the children and I are leaving for an overnight field trip.  It's our first since Eliana was born.  I'm excited and a little nervous.  We'd love prayers for travel safety, sleep (it's a lot to sleep in one room) and good weather would be nice too.  I'll share more when I return - as well as photos from our last field trip when we went flying!

Blessing to all of you!

Leslie