Tuesday, December 8, 2009

He said No

I can't tell you how long I've dreamed of a different title to a post - "He said YES!".  I've hoped, waited and prayed for this for over a year. 

Last fall, while looking at the Reece's Rainbow site, Rebecca and I were looking for a little girl to sponsor.  One that didn't have much, if any, money in her grant fund and one that needed support and prayers.  We chose Tonya.



I loved the picture of this spunky-looking little girl.  She was already past 3 years of age and could be sent to an institution to live when she turned 4.  I really believed she needed someone to commit to her by Christmas.  I began praying for her daily, faithfully. 

I should mention that I've been interested in adopting for awhile and especially since we were blessed with Eliana.  Even a year ago, I dreamed of adopting a little girl with Down syndrome.  I must confess though that I probably wouldn't have picked Tonya because I though I'd like someone younger than Eliana.  It's funny what prayer will do to your heart though.  The more I prayed for Tonya, the more I began to fall in love with her.  I know it must sound silly to some of you reading and I can't explain it.  She feels like a daughter of my heart. 

Last Christmas I so hoped that my gift might be a "yes" to adopting Tonya.  As time passed, I continued to hope, and dream and pray.  My prayers began in just wanting a family for her, but as time passed, I also greatly wanted the family to be ours.  I can just imagine her here playing with Eliana, sharing toys, crawling up into my lap and just being loved.

Fast forward to this Christmas.  There is a family adopting from the orphange in which Tonya lives.  They took new photos of her.



This created a great interest in Tonya and much money has been donated to her grant fund.  I knew in my heart that her huge grant would cause someone to come forward.  I still hoped and prayed it might be us. 

Roger has also been praying about this decision for a long while too.  This week-end, we really committed to pray.  We were both praying and asking for a sign from God to let us know what we should do.  I was honestly scared that there would be no sign.  I was frustrated that I'd been praying for over a year and He had done nothing!  I was afraid of what would happen to my heart if nothing happened. 

Over the week-end, we prayed and talked like we haven't done in a long time.  It was much needed for our marriage and sweet as well.  It was something that happened because of a little girl in a far away country that we have never seen.  She was able to do for us something that all of the trials and tribulations we have faced with our children could never do - draw us closer to each other and to God. 

On Sunday night, Roger thought we should adopt her.  Almost immediatly I became sick and stayed that way through the night and much of the following morning.  I felt better by afternoon after talking with a precious friend.  We knew we needed to decide quickly if we wanted the decision to be ours.  We decided to say yes!  I was elated!

I emailed to tell of our decision and we began to talk details.  We knew that Roger's age was a few months past the limit of the country's requirements.  We'd been told that was something that could be worked around.  Then I was asked if I had income and told that was also a requirement.  I was devastated.  Crushed.  Of course, my answer was no, no income.  I'm a stay at home mom.  Was there anything that could be done?  I was told that they would ask the officials in country and get back to us.  Another night of many prayers. 

I was confused (and in some ways still am).  I didn't sleep much and just spent a lot of the night praying.  I was also sick again.  I begged God that if this was not to be the path for us (adoption) that He would close the door.  It seemed an easy thing to me.  He could not allow us to have a loophole and we would know what His will was in the matter.  It seemed clear. 

Again today, many prayers.  Many.  Early this evening, we heard back.  They could work around the requirement!  Hope!  Is this the sign we had been asking for?  I knew that a no would mean that the adoption could never happen.  Was this the yes?

Time for more prayer.  Asking God for peace, clarity and wisdom.  Also asking for Him to give us the same heart.  This has been my prayer for so very long.  Years.  During all of this time of praying, I also came to realize that I had to give my desire for Tonya to God.  She is His.  He loves her more than I can even fathom. 

As we prayed we talked about things from all angles.  I know all of the many reasons that we shouldn't adopt. 

*We don't have the money - though the large grant would help so much!

*My/our plate is full with the many medical/special needs we are already dealing with.

*It would be hard for some of our family and friends and thus hard for us without their support.

As I prayed though, I was lead to a verse in 2 Timothy, where it states that God does not have a spirit of timidity, but one of love and power.  I thought of our fears and wondered if this was truly God cautioning us.

This is a huge decision.  A life-altering one.  We both wanted to do His will.  We both wanted to follow where He was leading.  We both wanted peace and to have the same heart.  I wish I could say that these prayers were all answered. 

As we prayed, I came to think that the door was opened due to the answer we got when it looked so very closed.  I know that God would bless us for stepping out in faith to follow.  I knew this would test our faith and would teach us much.  I was ready to commit.

When I turned and looked at Roger, I knew he was not feeling the same way.  He just said "I'm sorry." 

We told the children and Rebecca was also deeply saddened.  She has been praying for this little girl a lot too.  She has a heart much like mine. 

I would be lying if I said everything was fine.  I'm crushed and heartbroken.  For a brief time, we said yes and she was going to be our daughter.  I have hoped for this time for so long.  Something to be excited about, to look forward to. 

I'm thankful that there appears to be another family ready to adopt her.  I've prayed for this for a long time.  I'm not sure what God is going to do in our lives now.  My heart is feeling battered once again.  I feel crushed.  I'm thankful for the things He has taught me through this beautiful little girl.  My heart will never be the same for having prayed for and loved her. 

God bless you precious Tonya!  I know He loves you so much more than I do and that He has a plan for your life.  I'm thankful to have been a part of it.

With love

Leslie

21 comments:

  1. Oh Leslie, i am so sorry! I had a feeling that this was what was going on. I don't know if this will add to your sadness or give you a sense of peace, but I found on another blog that someone is raising money to adopt her. Wherever she winds up she can always use someone else loving her and praying for her and I know you'll always do that.

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  2. Sheri - I know that there are lots of people posting about here and trying to raise funds for her. She is living on borrowed time. I'm thankful for the interest in her and know that there is another family very interested.


    It doesn't really help my heart though that is just aching for our loss.


    love you friend

    Leslie

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  3. Leslie,

    My heart is aching for you. Especially knowing how long you've been loving this little girl. I am so touched and amazed at this special kind of love you have for a precious beautiful girl on the other side of the world. One you've never even met. I know it's God putting His love in you and it is so very precious to read about. I'm just so sorry for your broken heart. Praying for God to bring comfort to you and your beautiful daughter Rebecca.

    I know you're heart has been battered for many reasons these past few years. Praying for God to continue to hold you close. I know He is.

    Your children are so blessed to have a mamma with so much love in her heart. I'm just sorry your heart is aching so much now. Father, please surround Leslie with Your peace and comfort now. Thank you Lord.

    In Jesus,

    Allie

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  4. ((((Leslie)))) Praying for comfort and healing for you as this would be the same as losing a child that you were carrying in hopes of delivery ~ as you have carried her in your heart this whole time! So, so very sorry.

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  5. I am praying for the Lord to give Roger confidence and courage in Him.

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  6. (((((((Leslie)))))) I very much understand this heartache. Time and God do heal, I promise. His peace can heal any hurt but it takes time. (((hugs)) If you want to email or call, I'd be glad to listen.

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  7. I apologize if my comment came across as cold or uncaring. It wasn't meant that way at all. I am SO VERY sorry for the ache you feel in your heart. I am sure the pain is terrible and all you feel is the emptiness right now. I pray that God will fill those empty spots in very soon and heal you. You are a very special child of God and wonderful friend.

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  8. Leslie, I am so sorry. I know you're just heartbroken right now. I'm sorry.


    Love,

    Lynn

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  9. Leslie-I am very sorry that you have a no instead of a yes. One of the first things that came to mind was: Imagine what that precious child's life would have been like this past year without your prayers and love! It could have been miserable, and yet I know the Lord used your prayers to uplift and hold that child until she is in the arms of her new family. I am thinking that was your adoption. An adoption of the heart. May the Lord give you peace and comfort as you grieve the loss of your dream.



    Hugs and prayers to you and your family!

    You are a very special lady!

    Blessings-

    Sheri

    What's in the Box?

    PS: I dunno if you can shrink the size of the first photo but it is pushing your side bar off the page....thought you'd like to know


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  10. coffeeandconversationDecember 9, 2009 at 6:41 AM

    Leslie,

    I am so sorry! I can't even fathom how hard this must be. She is such a precious little girl. I am so sorry for your loss!

    prayers and ((hugs)),

    Bronwyn

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  11. I am so sorry.

    Blessings

    Diane

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  12. Oh, my sweet friend, praying for the Lord to hold you very close as you allow yourself to grieve the death of a dream, to grieve for another child you have prayed for that you cannot hold...... It is so hurtful and hard when we are told no. My heart weeps for you, dear sister. Praying much for you and Roger and the children. How you feel: Psalm 38:17 "For I am ready to halt and my sorrow is continually before me."

    Where comfort is: Psalm 119:107 "I am afflicted very much: quicken me, O LORD, according unto thy word."

    It won't always hurt this much: Psalm 147:3 "He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up there wounds."

    Praying for the Great Comforter to comfort as only HE can. Many hugs and prayers, Christine

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  13. Your heart is beautiful. I am sorry he said no. Hopefully she will find a family through your story. :)

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  14. I followed your post on rr and I have to say I am heartbroken for you. I KNOW the ache a mama has and to hear her husband say NO is so painful ...and hard to get over. Speaking from experience. i think tonya is just beautiful and i posted on my blog for her..but i knew she wasnt meant for us, i have my heart torn between 2 little beauties on rr, but my dh isnt on board. my heart is aching..so i do relate to your pain. I believe we could be wonderful parents for either of them. I am so sorry. (((hugs))) Maria :)

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  15. I was the annonymous comment several above that starts with (((((Leslie)))) I very much understand...


    Please call or email if you'd like to.


    ((hugs))


    Kristin

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  16. I am so sorry


    ((Leslie))


    you are an amazing woman serving an amazing God.

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  17. Leslie, you have such a nurturing mother's heart and I can only imagine your grief. I'm so sorry sweet friend.


    Still, I believe your prayers have done so much for Tonya. You've been a mother to her in prayer and I'm sure we won't know this side of heaven how much that has impacted her life. God put her in your heart for a reason, maybe not the reason you anticipated, but for His own perfect plan for her. She is blessed to have someone who has loved and prayed for her like you have.


    I'm praying for you this morning as you walk this difficult road. Love you!


    Bo

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  18. (((Leslie)))


    I am so sorry for this loss of a dream. Sometimes love hurts so much. Would it have been better NOT to have loved her and prayed for her all this time in order to not feel the pain you now feel? I'm sure you would say NO, that it has been worth it. I'm convinced your prayers have made a huge difference in this precious girl's life, and that God will pour out your love on her since you can't do it yourself. I know well the pain of loving children you cannot hold, and I am praying for God to bind up your wounded heart and bring comfort and healing. Also praying for a sweet spirit to pervade your marriage, for submission and unity in love to prevail above all else. This too is a testimony.


    Prayerfully,

    Pam in SE MI

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  19. Thank you friends. Thank you for understanding the incredible pain, the deep sorrow and the great loss. Thank you for your words of encouragment too. I know God has used my many, many prayers and tears. Thank you also for your prayers. They are much needed and appreciated.


    I'm thankful for each of you.


    with much love,

    Leslie

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  20. Leslie,

    I know all too well what it feels like to have a husband that isn't on board to adopt. It hurts SO much to have this person who is your best friend and love of your life not feel the same. It took the work of God to change my husband's heart and it wasn't quick either. Two and a half years for me - I pray that God has a miracle in store for your husband too :)

    Thank you for commenting on my blog - I really like reading yours!

    Mandy

    www.hisfirstwife.blogspot.com

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  21. I've known @ this for awhile b/c of RR Yahoo Group but i've failed to find the time to comment. you have been in my prayers as i know how waiting for 'yes' is! but i cannot imagine a yes and then suddenly a no, but God knows what He is doing. so thankful that Tonya has a family coming to rescue her. hope you are doing okay. glad that you had your parents here for Christmas. love, aj

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