Voice of Truth

Sometimes when I ponder my life  - where I've been or where I'm going - it can become overwhelming.  There are times when I long for the simplicity of life as I remember it.  Times when I just want to stay home from doctor appointments and go out on field trips.  Both have been a huge change for me.  I was one that rarely ever took my children to the doctor.  I could count on one hand the number of times ALL of my children went to the doctor last year.  (I can only remember one visit.)  Eliana has surpassed that in one week many, many times.  I was also used to going on field trips once a week.  I love going on field trips.  I think hands-on learning is one of the most fun ways to learn about most anything from history to science and lots more in between.

Then there are the voices - both those in my head and sometimes from others as well.  The voices of doubt. 

It's too much for you to handle. 

Why isn't your faith stronger? 

Where is your joy? 

Is life always going to be so hard for Eliana? 

Are you doing the best for your family? 

Are you going to be able to homeschool the children? 

Shouldn't you put them in school? 

Are they learning? 

Are you able to be a good Mommy to all of them? 

As I was talking to God the other day, He reminded me through a song that there was only one voice that I needed to listen to.  There is only one voice that always holds truth.

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth     - From Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns

Thank you for this reminder Lord.  I want to listen to you.  I thank you for the many times that you speak your truth to me - through the Bible, through prayer, through songs and often through the love and encouragment of friends and strangers alike.

When the doubts some crashing in, then it is time for me to choose ... to listen and believe the voice of truth.

With love,

Leslie

PS.  I thought I was finished and was checking over my writing.  Eliana was getting a feeding - and pulled out her tube!  It was too far out even though I caught it fairly quickly to get back in.  This tube stayed in a week.  For us, that is a pretty good length of time.  I'm hoping that when I replace this one today that it will be the last time that I have to do this.  It will be my 37th time.  And to think that at one point we thought the tube would be in for just 2 weeks until we could get to heart surgery and I hoped to NEVER have to do it at all!  It has been in now for 5.5 months.  It is time for it to go.   

As I was continuing to reflect and read my Bible, I had a few more things I wanted to share.  One of the reminders to me of God's desire for me came as I studied James when I was pregnant (and often after having Eliana).  I don't always understand, but am trying to trust that God will use all of this for good.

"Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anyhting.  If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."  James 1: 2- 5  (There have been many, many times when I've prayed for wisdom!)

Also this week I received the test scores of my oldest two children.  After 6 months of very loose and unstructured learning, how did they do?  We did some math and lots of reading - the Bible and many other books.  (I'm so glad that my children like to read!)  I never felt that they weren't learning.  I also realized that many of the lessons that they were learning weren't going to be things on this test.  Things that hopefully will help them as they face the real tests in their lives, the trials and suffering that they will have to endure.  So, how did they do?  They scored high to very high on almost the entire thing.  It was nice to have that encouragment, though I hope that even if the answers had been different that I would have chosen to listen to the voice of truth.  God has called us to this journey and He will equip us to walk it even when it doesn't look like what we have prepared for and even when we feel less than adequate to do the job. 

One last thought before I close.  I was reading in Psalms this morning.  There were a variety of different ones.  Some praising God and His faithfulness.  Others in which the writer feels alone and abandoned.  Those don't always leave me feeling comfortable.  It reminded me though of the times though that I've shared my struggles, my pains and my fears.  God reminded me that David while not perfect, was a man after God's own heart!  At times I have wondered if I should be sharing all of the pain, the struggles, the hurt.  Was this a lack of faith?  Was I doing something wrong?  Was I causing others to doubt by my own doubts and fears?  Even in my doubts and wonderings, God comforts me.  I am seeking Him and it is alright to have these times of struggle - it is normal.  It isn't what I want, but it is part of what I need.  I am thankful that God chose to remind me of that this morning.  What I'm left with still though is a choice.  Who and what am I going to believe?  I know that it won't always be easy but I want to choose the voice of Truth.