So many things are reminders - but maybe it's really that I just haven't forgotten. This "should" be an exciting time - when I'd be counting down the days. It's less than a month until my "due" date that isn't any more. I think about it every day. It's one of those things though that feels so alone.
It's not really "proper" to talk about it, is it? It is certainly a subject that makes many people uncomfortable. I remember one of my children being told not to mention it after my first miscarriage. Yet, so many have experienced it. Why does it feel so lonely?
I received something in the mail this week. A note from a company congratulating me on my upcoming birth. A guide to labor and the hospital. The promise of a gift when I got there. It made me cry.
Sometimes I feel like such a drag even mentioning that its still hard. I feel like I should have gotten over it by now. It can make me feel like I have no faith, that I'm weak or untrusting. (I know I am weak and I'm continually trying to trust.) I know that in the grand scheme of life that this is small compared to so many other things. I also know that God cares about all of the details of our life .
I've been talking about it with God. Just yesterday at our field trip, one sweet friend came up to me and asked me about the approaching date. I was honestly surprised and touched that she remembered. I shared with her that it was hard and that it often felt really lonely. She gave me a small gift to show me that she was thinking of me. What a gift of God's love this sweet friend's remembrance was to me. I had cried out to Him and He heard me.
I'm not sure why I'm posting this. I'd love your prayers. Sometimes, my heart just hurts. I keep telling myself to be happy with the children that I do have. It's not that though. I'm very happy with the children that I have. I just feel like I could love more. I know that I'm blessed - beyond what I ever could have expected.
I'm still grieving this loss, this child. I so want to hold and love this little one. I know that the approach of the due date will just bring sad feelings. It is something else to learn from, to lean on God and to hope in Him.
Reminders. I know that God is good. I know that He loves me. I know that our little one is safe in His arms. I know that no matter what happens, God has a plan for my life. I remind myself of these truths often - maybe someone reading needs a reminder too. It is easy to listen to the lies and whispers from the enemy. I am seeking to hear God. God is a voice of truth - of hope - of love. He loves you - cares about you and every detail of your life.
Love,
Leslie
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